What are we left with?

We work so hard, we fight to understand, we strive so hard to know. I wonder where it all gets us. Where it really gets us in the long run. Because what truly do we know to be true. Even when we think we know something, it sifts through our hands like sand, only to leave our hands empty once more. My hands are empty. I am so tired. I am so tired of trying so hard, and pushing myself to understand, and coming up with nothing in the end. Whatever knowledge I may have gained over my life has been blown away like leaves in the wind. I am left with nothing. No physical manifestations of what I’ve worked for, and no clearer an understanding. If anything my understanding is more cloudy now than it ever has been.

My chest, it hurts. There’s this pressure there. This ache. This pain. I don’t know what it is, but I need it to go away, once and for all. I don’t understand it. I’m tired of trying to understand it. I’m tired of trying to understand what goes on in my head. There is no clear explanation for anything. It’s all just speculation. Fabrication. Lies. Falsehoods. Layer after layer of suppression, repression, judgment, condemnation, yet at what point do I just give up and say, I will never know. What is the point to even trying? Truth and knowledge and understand eludes me. It is beyond my reach. Even when I think I have it, it just slips away. Silently. Painfully. And what am I left with? Nothing. Just more confusion than before. Understanding is elusive. It never stays forever. It tricks you into thinking it is here to stay, but it leaves when you least expect it. My head hurts. I am so tired of trying. I am so tired of trying to understand. If someone could take a microscope and bore their way into my head and have a look, I think they would be just as confused as I am. It just doesn’t make any SENSE. I want to understand. But I’m starting to think that life is pulling one over on me. That I’m not meant to understand. I’m not meant to make sense of it. Any of it. And yet I cannot go on not knowing. It will drive me crazy.

I wish I could take a vacation from my mind. That would be nice. When I go on vacation I almost do get a vacation from my mind. In a way. And then when I come back, my vacation from my mind is over as well. I get inundated by craziness. Thoughts. Feelings. Body sensations. Overwhelming. Not making any sense. None. Just when I thought I had it figured out I realize I had nothing figured out.

The question is, if this knowledge, if this understanding will ever elude me, will ever lie just beyond my grasp, what then? What is the point in even trying to understand if you never actually will?

Is this burning sensation in my chest – is it physical? Heartburn? Is it emotional? Hurting? Is this pressure in my head- is it because I am tired? Too little sleep? Or is it a result of the turmoil that is inside my mind? Why can’t all these pains just go away? Why can’t I be left to peace for just one minute. One hour. One day.

Is life meant to torment? Because if I didn’t know better, I would sure say that’s what life’s intention is. Maybe I’ll grow to feel differently. And yet how long will those feelings last. They are just feelings after all, aren’t they. And feelings aren’t reality. If feelings aren’t reality, and thoughts aren’t reality, then what is reality? Can anything be thought of as real?

I, for one, do not feel real at the moment. Maybe it’s the pain and pressure in my head. Maybe it’s the burning and aching in my chest. Maybe it’s the hard day I’ve had. Maybe it’s the coming back from vacation and wishing I didn’t have to. I don’t feel real and yet this torment feels quite real. This physical pain I’m experiencing feels quite real. Is it imaginary? What is more real – the torment or the pain? One is psychological the other is physical. Are they interrelated? Is one more real than the other? Sadly, I don’t think there is an answer to any of my questions. Only hypotheses. Only speculation. Only guesses and good guesses but not assurances. What if I want assurances. What if I want definitives.

What truly can you count on in this world? Friends? Lovers? All are human and therefore are unpredictable. What then? Even our own earth is on the brink of manmade obliteration. If we can’t trust that our planet will continue on without us, what then can we trust? Ourselves? Can we trust ourselves? Some might say yes, some might say no. I would say – of all things in this world, I trust myself least of all. What am I left with then? I suppose nothing.

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