Sitting on the edge of a razor blade

Okay well… writing that last blog didn’t go over as well as I thought it would. In fact, it sparked a really strong reaction inside me, a reaction that I’m still trying to sort out.

The only way I could possibly begin to describe what I’m feeling right now is that I”m sitting on the edge of a razor blade. And let me assure you, it’s a very uncomfortable place to be. If I move, it’ll dig in. So I’m trapped. I’m paralyzed. I’m stuck in this hellish place which I cannot get out of.

And that’s the overwhelming feeling that I get. Trapped. It feels like my feelings are trapped.

A part of me wants to scream out. But it can’t.

There’s really no way to describe at the moment how I’m feeling. None.

I’ll give you a visual.

It’s like I’m looking into a room. And in that room are a bunch of psychotic people. They are screaming, they are being violent toward one another and themselves, they are smashing their heads through walls and through windows, they are shouting things such as, “You don’t deserve anything you stupid cunt!” They are slashing their wrists with razor blades and stabbing themselves with knives, they are ripping out the hair on their own heads, they are tearing at their clothes, they are being restrained in straightjackets…

Now. Pick up that room and place it into your head. Then you might come close to understanding what it is I’m experiencing right now.

 

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