Knocked down when I get up

When. When will it stop. When will this all stop. When will I have peace. Just one day of peace. That’s all I ask for. I get an hour, maybe a few. It’s like, I think the storm is over. I take some deep breaths, I pull myself up, I have some breathing room. But then suddenly, when I least expect it, something comes out of nowhere and blindsides me.

I am back on the ground again. I have been beaten badly this time. The anger, the frustration, the angst, the overwhelm, the anxiety, all of them are giving me a good beating. And they are showing no mercy. They are not letting up.



I am considering trying to find another job. This one might just be too difficult, too triggering, too painful. But the thought of changing jobs fills me with fear and dread and just makes the overwhelm even worse. I can’t let myself go there. I just can’t do it.

I can tolerate a horrible amount of pain and discomfort, especially emotional. But honestly I feel like I’m at my limit. My breaking point. How many more times am l going to get knocked down before its time for me to say enough is enough. Apparently a lot…


1 Comment

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One response to “Knocked down when I get up

  1. dividedtruth89

    Hey brandic,

    I just read a few of your posts, and remembered how once I remember you saying that you are not imaginative. Oh my goodness! Have you proven yourself wrong. You are very imaginative with such a knack for applying visuals to your feelings.

    I too had to leave a job that was far too triggering for me. It was too much responsibility. Too many injuries. Too much worry of “am I doing the right thing? What if I make a mistake?” It was a big deal if you made a mistake, there.
    I am so glad I found a better job where I am happier and working 4 times as often. The people are happy. And they are happy to know me. I think that if you can find a job where you are around truly positive people, and where the work won’t be triggering, it would be extremely healthy for you. I still feel depressed on my days off, but it’s better than feeling depressed/triggered at work.
    Distractions aren’t always best thing. But it sounds like you need them right now. Something that you have committed to, but that you know will make you feel better once you’re there. Work and my one friend are the only things that distract me from the fact that I still have 4 days till my next T appointment. That my mom still won’t call me. Not to mention the rest of the shit.

    Hang in there Brandic. I don’t respond often but I do follow your blog 🙂

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