I have this deeply ingrained belief that I am a huge burden on others, and that in order for me to minimize this burden, I must not complain, and I must not talk about myself or my problems. The worse I feel, and the more I share these feelings with others, the bigger a burden I then become.
Logically, I know this to be inaccurate. However, I can tell myself that until I’m blue in the face. It’s not going to change the belief.
Who am I a burden to at the moment? Well… first of all, I feel like a huge burden to my partner. She puts up with so much, on a daily basis, and yet I don’t feel like she deserves any of the shit that I am constantly laying on her. I feel like I am a burden to the very few friends who know about the DID stuff. Because sadly, I feel like I lean on them way more than I should. Especially when I’m dealing with a lot.
I shouldn’t lean on anyone. I should be self-sufficient. I shouldn’t need anyone. And yet I do… And this makes me a failure.
I also think I’m especially a burden to people at the moment because I don’t have a therapist. I hope that once I settle in with someone, this can take the load off of my partner and my friends a little bit…
Where does this belief stem from?
Well… I believe it’s the relationship I had with my mom growing up. Anytime I ever needed anything from her, even though she didn’t necessarily say I was bothering her, I would always feel like I was. She would always take a deep sigh every time I had any sort of request or needed anything. She was always reluctant and resistant to anything I asked of her, and I often had to ask her several times for anything before she would actually respond. I grew to believe that I shouldn’t ask for anything, that I shouldn’t need anything. That I should not lean or rely on others.
I’m starting to lean and rely on others. I’m starting to open myself up to others and let them share some of my burden. I am afraid I’m setting myself up for total and complete failure. If I lean on someone and that topples them over, then both people are worse off than when we started. It’s better not to lean on anyone at all. Rely on no one. Complete self-sufficiency.
It’s definitely a dilemma, isn’t it. Don’t rely on others and stay isolated and lonely. Allow others to shoulder some of the burden and set yourself up for potentially being betrayed and hurt, as well as overwhelming other people and pushing them away. I think that would be my worst fear come true…
I guess it’s about allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and trusting that the other person is able to handle what it is you are sharing with them, and if they cannot, you must trust that they will tell you that.
Why is that so very hard to do? That thing called trust…? I guess because I assume everyone will leave without saying a word. And it will be all my fault. I will have driven them away, because I was too much of a burden, and it will be all my fault.