Too Much

This pain, its just too much. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I don’t think I want to do this anymore. I know I sound like some whiny little girl, but… I just don’t care. I just don’t care anymore. The pain it’s just… Too much. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I can’t keep feeling this way. I can’t keep battling day in and day out. I just can’t do it. I thought if I only kept trying then it would get better. It hasn’t gotten better. It hasn’t gotten better. When am I gonna wake up and realize that it’s never getting better. Why am I so dense? Why do I continue to refuse to give up, when everything in my life is telling me to. Life should not be this hard. Life should not be this hard.

What else am I supposed to do. I don’t feel like I have any other choice. I have been beaten. I think that in this battle of life versus me, life has won. Maybe I should just face the facts and finally give up. Maybe I’m just being stubborn. I’ve already been knocked out. The match is over. The winner has been called. I lay bleeding and beaten on the floor of the ring, but I refuse to believe it. I keep trying to stagger up. To fight am enemy that’s no longer even there. Who am I kidding. They called the match a long time ago. And the winner wasn’t me.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep doing this to my partner? It’s not fair to either of us…

She made me promise a while back to never give up. For her. And I did. I promised. I wish more than anything that I hadn’t promised her that. It’s just not fair. It’s just not right. At some point when the suffering gets to be too much, you should be allowed to give up. You should be allowed to throw in the towel. I want to throw in the towel.

I don’t know how much more of this I can do. I don’t know how more of this I can bear. I have struggled so much – and I know I’m throwing myself the worlds biggest pity party – but I don’t think I have it in me to keep struggling. I just don’t. I act so strong. I’m really not. I have my limits…

Okay life, you’ve won. You did it. Congratulations. You beat me. Are you happy? I admit defeat. You can gloat all you want. I don’t care. I just want the battle to be over. I can’t fight you anymore. I am just too tired. Can’t you see how tired I am? Can’t you take just a little pity on me and let up just a little? Or show mercy on me and just take me away. Give me a permanent respite. I don’t care. I can’t keep going. I can’t keep going. I can’t do it.

They say that life isn’t fair. Well I can tell you that this is true, that it is not. It’s not fair in the slightest. And I’m done fighting. I’m done fighting for just a small bit of peace, only to be flung back into the battle once more. I truly am done. I am too weak. I can’t fight the battle anymore. I am ready to lay down my arms and let the enemy do with me as it wishes. If it were only that easy…

The enemies are within. My own demons. What do you do when the enemy is inside you and you can’t get away from yourself? What then?

I leave my fate in life’s hands. Maybe life will have mercy on me and take me away. Give me a permanent vacation. If not, well I don’t know what. But I know I’m done. I’m done fighting. I’m done trying so hard to make things better, to no avail. It’s just not worth it.


1 Comment

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One response to “Too Much

  1. I hear your pain, Brandic. I also hear your fatigue.

    If the body endures enough pain to one region, it becomes numb, and the person begins to need the blows, in order for the numbness to continue. So the fact that you are feeling pain means you may have at least lessened the amount of beat ups you give yourself, lessened the self-hatred in some way, and I think that is excellent progress.

    Life is not a battle, as you seem to see it. It is a journey. Filled with hills and valleys. It is not easy. And we can not choose the path we are set on…but we can choose to keep going as opposed to stopping still. I do not judge you if you decide to stop and take a rest, but I expect you to get back up and keep going, even if it’s a slow crawl. You don’t have to run. You don’t even have to walk. Just crawl if that’s all you feel like doing. Some people do let life beat them. Those are the ones who stop and never get back up. You show me time and time again that you get back up. I applaud you.

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