Can’t someone else do the work, just for once? Can’t my mind just stop working, just for once? Can’t I not care about things, just for once?
It would be so nice to be swallowed up by simplicity and and a wholehearted lack of caring. Can’t I just go on autopilot for a while?
Alas autopilot is not my fate. The cogs are constantly turning, whether I want them to or not. I want so much to better myself, to better my life. I am not happy with complacency. Maybe that is my downfall.
What this means is that I’m totally and utterly exhausted, all the time. Physically… Mentally… Emotionally… On every level imaginable. I am being tried and tested constantly. Flung into the throws of numbness, anxiety, panic, anger, sadness, confusion, restlessness, emptiness, the list can go on. They say, “pick your battles wisely.” Well… In my life it feels as though the battles pick me. And a lot of them.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. It’s just… exhausting. Isn’t there a fairy tale where the princess goes to sleep for a thousand years? Can I be that princess? Please?