Drained

Can’t someone else do the work, just for once? Can’t my mind just stop working, just for once? Can’t I not care about things, just for once?

It would be so nice to be swallowed up by simplicity and and a wholehearted lack of caring. Can’t I just go on autopilot for a while?

Alas autopilot is not my fate. The cogs are constantly turning, whether I want them to or not. I want so much to better myself, to better my life. I am not happy with complacency. Maybe that is my downfall.

What this means is that I’m totally and utterly exhausted, all the time. Physically… Mentally… Emotionally… On every level imaginable. I am being tried and tested constantly. Flung into the throws of numbness, anxiety, panic, anger, sadness, confusion, restlessness, emptiness, the list can go on. They say, “pick your battles wisely.” Well… In my life it feels as though the battles pick me. And a lot of them.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. It’s just… exhausting. Isn’t there a fairy tale where the princess goes to sleep for a thousand years? Can I be that princess? Please?

 

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Drained

  1. Ah…this is why I love sleep. Even though I know my dreams aren’t going to be pleasant, even though I know they could be scary, I know I will learn more about myself by NOT having to think. By allowing the subconscious to go to town and I just watch. There was a long time there where I would be relieved to look at the clock and realize that it was only a few short hours until the agony of the day was going to be over, and I could escape for 8 hours.

    No advice to give, just…I’ve been there.

  2. Bourbon

    I know of this exhaustion. I really do. Can I just reiterate what I said last night. You have fought SO BLOODY HARD to be where you are today. And you obviously are continuing to fight every single day. Of course you want to take a break. But you won’t because you just never give up. You get up everyday and go to work. You don’t let this beat you down. I look to you to remind myself that checking out of life is not necessary. Marching on is what you do. Right. Left. Right. Left. Onwards and upwards we go. Anytime you need to see me besides you, I am there.

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