I wonder what it’s like to have a quiet mind. What I mean by that is, to have only my own thoughts and nothing else. To have space around my thoughts.
I wonder what it’s like to not have a mind that erupts into chaos when a part of me thinks I’ve done something wrong.
Whenever I do something that a part of me doesn’t agree with, my mind erupts into a cacophony of deafening shouts and noises. The music usually gets turned up to full volume. I can hardly hear myself think, and I can hardly make out what is being screamed over the rest of the noise.
And even with all this upheaval, it’s still extremely challenging to figure out what exactly I did wrong or why. There is no order in the chaos, or so it feels.
This happened earlier today at work. It had something to do with the way I was acting toward the woman I work for. Maybe I wasn’t being cheerful enough…? Maybe I was acting overly confidant?
I’ve noticed that distraction is good when this sort of thing happens, rather than to focus on my internal world. Reading helps to focus my mind and bring the volume down a bit. Although I have to say, I sure wish I could figure out why it happens and find ways to eliminate this sort of thing from happening in the first place. But for now, it’s simply damage control.