Still not well/ Therapy update/ Betrayal

I have a splitting headache, but I have a desire to post anyways. So here we go.

As you’ve probably gathered from the title, I’m still not feeling well. I’m still having stomach pains, and I have this gnawing headache that just won’t go away. And of course being in bed all day has exacerbated my back pain, so… good times all around :). But we won’t dwell on these things.

I ended up going to my therapy session yesterday, despite feeling as bad as I have been. As I was driving there, I realized I probably shouldn’t be driving. I was getting weak and dizzy and not able to focus very well on the cars ahead of me. Oops. Luckily we didn’t get into an accident!

I’m trying to remember what we talked about. Hmm. Bean was very aware of my not feeling well, and she kept commenting on my fluctuations in the coloring of my face. She is almost too observant sometimes in my opinion.

I remember mentioning that I had lost a friend of mine who had been molested by an older man and who ended up dropping out of school. That was in junior high. And that I had found out a month or two ago from my mom that I had apparently been questioned by detectives about it (!!!). No memory of that. :/

I remember becoming a frightened young girl in session. Telling Bean I was scared. I’m not quite sure what we talked about. Eesh my memory is foggy at the moment isn’t it.

After that part had surfaced and I had to come “back”, it was extremely hard and I was extremely anxious.

Bean said something like, “I bet that if your partner needed you right now, that if there were some emergency type of situation, that you’d be able to instantly shift gears and help her. Would you say that’s accurate?”

I said yes.

She said, “So you’re good at the quick transitions. What seems to be hard for you are the slow transitions. Does that seem about accurate?”

I agreed wholeheartedly. I am great at making quick transitions. I can switch in and out of states at the drop of a hat when needed. But as the clock clicks toward the end of therapy, it becomes excruciating, and I never want to leave. It just feels so safe there.

She said, “so what we need to work on are the slow transitions. One step at a time of course.”

Okay Bean, whatever you say.

Another thing that hasn’t helped while I’ve been so sick is that I had a friend essentially walk away from our friendship a few days ago. For really no reason other than he has too many “other things” going on in his life. Other things. Huh okay. This friend was an online friend, but still we had grown quite close in the several months I knew him. The ironic part about the whole thing is, I was leaning on him less and less toward the end. It became more of a light, carefree friendship. Or at least that’s how I saw it. So why he felt the need to end the friendship, well I’m still at a total loss. All I can say is that it hurts. It really hurts.

However strong I might act on the outside, however I might act like these sorts of things don’t affect me, they do. They really do.

I think that’s all I have the energy for at the moment. Readers thank you for sticking in there, those who I know and those who I don’t know. And if you’re feeling up to it, maybe you can send some healing thoughts my way. No obligation of course. šŸ™‚



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2 responses to “Still not well/ Therapy update/ Betrayal

  1. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ that’s me sending healing thoughts…bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    Okay sorry if I can be too lighthearted sometimes. I’m so sorry you are still feeling so ill. Being sick is so yuck. However, I like to think of physical sickness as a reset button for my body. Your body probably needed a reset after all the emotional turmoil you’ve had going on. Use it as a time to rest and hold your stuffed horsie in bed šŸ™‚

    What a great way for your therapist to help you transition. Bring your attention to something that demands your attention. I am the same way; I can flip on a dime. My emotions and feelings mean nothing when the situation calls for it. But put me in a safe place where my feelings are the focal point, like therapy, and I too don’t want to leave. What’s been helping me is staying in the waiting room after our session and listening to music/playing with a toy that’s out there/holding Wolfie. Or sitting outside the building on the grass for a really long time. Do you think you could try something like that? Even if you just sat in your car in the parking lot for a few minutes after session, it would probably really help you get grounded and more prepared for leaving. There’s nothing wrong with wallowing in the safety for a little longer, if you are able. This is why I make therapy on my days off and when I have no other obligations…I don’t know if you do that but it could be helpful too.

  2. Bourbon

    Sending you healing thoughts of course X 10000. I hope you wake up today much brighter. I’ll be gone I think by the time you do but I hope to speak to you when I get back to see how you are. Bourbon x

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