I have literally spent the entire day today under covers of some sort, whether it be in my bed (which is where I stayed until about 4pm), under a blanket on my partners day-bed (where I slept for several hours), or lying on my sofa under a blanket, where I am currently. I am desperately trying not to judge myself, although it is quite hard. I haven’t showered in days, I haven’t done a single productive thing this weekend, and today I don’t even have the excuse of not feeling well. Well, physically well that is.
Anxiety has been gnawing at me all day. I was feeling quite ill last night with my stomach bug, and my body was too restless to sleep. I ended up staying up late, talking with a friend about the abusive situation I was in when I was twelve and thirteen. I think the anxiety I’m feeling today is due to the stuff that was brought up.
I just can’t remember so much of it, and that’s what’s so frustrating. I called up my mom and asked her questions today about it. She doesn’t remember much more than I do.
One thing she did tell me is apparently this older guy had carved my name into his arm. I guess that was one of the things he tried to make me feel bad about when I tried ending things with him (one of the many times). I have no recollection of any carved name into any arm.
She also told me that she remembers once walking by my room and overhearing a conversation I was having with one of my friends on the phone. It was right after Valentine’s Day, and I was telling my friend about how I had gotten M a stuffed animal bear. We had gone over to the local high school and I guess that’s where I had given it to him. Apparently it had been raining, and I told my friend that he had thrown my bear in the mud, and that I was sad.
My mom may have told me that story before, because I remember reading something about a discarded bear that had been an intended gift for him somewhere in my diary years ago. But as far as memory of the actual incident goes, it’s just blank. No bear, no Valentine’s Day, no rain.
So even though I’ve spent the day under the covers, I’m trying to be easy with myself about it. I am dealing with quite a lot in trying to uncover the truth behind that whole time period. Trying to remember the details of the abuse and the details surrounding the abuse.
Maybe I’ll shower tonight, maybe I won’t. Most likely I’ll just keep staying under the covers right up until it’s time for me to fall asleep.