I want to share with you a miracle that happened this morning. When I woke up this morning, I felt calm. That’s it. That’s the miracle. And it was an amazing and wonderful feeling.
Every morning, pretty much without fail, when the alarm goes off the screaming in my head starts, and I am flooded with terror. The thought of getting out of bed is not only overwhelming, it is unbearable. I wrap myself up even tighter in my covers and delay the inevitable for as long as possible. Finally, when I can’t afford to stay in bed one more minute, I painfully peel the covers back and thrust my body out of the bed despite the shrieks and protests in my mind. The entire morning is spent trying to reassure myself that I’m okay, that I am safe. My partner can hardly say a word to me in the mornings because it usually results in me shrieking, running and hiding, or both.
But not this morning. This morning, when the alarm went off, my mind was quiet. Things actually felt okay. I felt like I was actually able to breathe normally. My heart was beating at its regular speed. I was calm. I was calm.
Every week when I see my therapist, she asks me if my mornings have gotten any better. Every week I tell her, no still hard. I always wondered why she asked, because I didn’t see it changing in the foreseeable future. This has been going on for… well… at least a year.
But it did. It finally changed. I don’t know if this was a one time deal, or a longer lasting change. I don’t know, but I’ll take it. I was actually able to have an adult conversation with my partner this morning, and that is rare if not nonexistent.
So I am feeling a bit up this morning. A celebration of sorts.