All Alone

I can’t breathe and I’m all alone. All alone all alone all alone. I can’t breathe. Can’t someone come. Save me from this hell. Save me from myself. I can’t do it. No one knows. No one knows the hell I live in. No one. Nothing is safe. I cannot go home. Nowhere is safe.

I cannot breathe. Can’t someone come and help me breathe? I need to cry. I need to scream. I need to scream til there’s nothing left. Why can’t you let me do that. Am I such a monster that you can’t tolerate my screams?

I am a monster. And I should have died long ago. Monsters don’t deserve to live. I have venom inside me. Poison. I poison all who get too close.

This pain it consumes me. It wraps me up and suffocates me. I think it even enjoys it. It enjoys watching me suffer. And cry. And scream.

Won’t someone come and release me from my misery? How bout a robbery gone wrong. Come to point a gun at me and take my money and the gun goes off instead. Oops.

These are the types of things I fantasize about.

I think Bean is pushing me too hard. She just needs to let me BE. JUST LET ME BE.

Please won’t someone watch after me and take care of me? Please? I’m begging. I’m begging for my life. I can’t carry these things any further. I just can’t. Won’t someone take them from me? Please?

And yet… Here I sit. In my car. In the dark. In the cold.

All alone.


1 Comment

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One response to “All Alone

  1. Bourbon

    Hey – later I’d like to talk to you about how you feel Bean is pushing you too hard. You of course are in control of the speed of your therapy so if you can be honest with how the speed she is taking may be making things a little too hard to cope with between sessions, perhaps things can slow down a little so you don’t come out feeling like yo u’ve been run over by a combine harvester and all alone to deal with the aftermath.
    I’m sorry you were feeling so alone and abandoned with all the shit that was going on with no one to help carry the load with you. I know it’s not the same but anytime you want to offload some of this overwhelming distress to me and I’m not here do email me and I will get it and share it with you.

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