I saw Bean this evening. I don’t think I’m ready/able to talk about my session at the moment – and, in fact, most of it is a big blur – but I want to talk about what happened after my session.
I left session feeling completely drained emotionally. Not just drained, but as though I had just been through an emotional hurricane. My whole body felt completely raw and exposed. I felt like I needed to wrap myself up in a very large cloth (which I didn’t have, sadly).
My good friend was still awake. Or had stayed awake for me, since she knew how anxious I had been going into session. [Due to the time difference, it was quite late where she was.] I’m not sure, but what I do know is that she was there for me. And the feeling is one I don’t know if I can even describe. Safety. That’s what it felt like, to have her there, when I was feeling so vulnerable and so exposed. It felt like safety.
I don’t know what it’s like to feel safe. I don’t think I’ve ever felt truly safe in my entire life. But having my friend there, just being there and listening, not expecting anything, not needing me to be a certain way, or say a particular thing… I feel like I got a glimpse of safety. I don’t know if that makes any sense. In fact, it doesn’t even make much sense to me at the moment. But I just know that I’m beginning to let myself trust. I’m beginning to let myself have a connection. A real connection. And it doesn’t feel one-sided or dangerous or threatening like most connections in my past have been. It feels, plain and simple, safe. A friend who only wants the best for me. Who genuinely cares. Who doesn’t need anything from me, or demand anything from me (although I would happily cut off my right arm if it meant alleviating some of her distress and suffering. Okay maybe not my right arm… how about my right toe?).
I’m starting to realize that I can surround myself with safe people. Not people who are unpredictable and unreliable; not people who say one thing and do another; not people who have ulterior motives; not people who come in and out of my life on a whim. I have several people in my life who are safe: my partner, my therapist, my good friend who was there for me tonight and on a consistent basis, and my other good friend who is always there for me in spirit (my fellow “old lady”).
I can start putting myself first. I can allow myself to be vulnerable, around safe people. I can have safety in my life. I can give myself the comfort my own mother was unable to give to me. I can keep the larger goal in mind, which is: I am capable of healing.