I’m not even sure what is going on at the moment. I went to breakfast with my partner and some of her friends. I put on my “social” persona, and talked and smiled and laughed. But afterward, I’ve retreated inside my shell, and I don’t know where I have gone.
I guess the best way to describe how I’m feeling right now is numb. Or maybe I just am outside awareness of feeling. I don’t know. I’m not even sure who or what I am at the moment. I feel like a foreigner to myself.
You know that song: Oh where, oh where has my little dog gone, oh where, oh where can he be? Etc etc. I feel like that, just with myself. Oh where, oh where has my Brandic gone.
I feel like I’m in a world that doesn’t belong to me, that isn’t mine. It’s like, my world has been taken away, and everything that surrounds me is a substitute world that has replaced my world. Everything familiar and comforting is gone, and everything I look at feels strange and unfamiliar.
I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I want to go into my shell and get lost in a world inside myself. And yet… I can’t. I have twenty minutes before I have to leave to go get a haircut – one that I much need. Granted, I could always cancel and reschedule for another time. But I’ve been hating myself and the way I look lately, and my awful awful hair plays a big part in that. This is something I just need to do, however much I don’t want to.
Sometimes you just need to go through the motions. Afterward I can come home and zone out. Hide away inside myself. Push the world far, far away. Because that’s what I want. I want to push the world as far away as possible. It feels unfriendly and hostile. Actually… not even so much hostile, but strange, unreal and foreign. Unrecognizable. It doesn’t feel like my world. In my world, I fit in it. I belong, to some degree or another. This world… well, I don’t belong. I am a stranger. My friends don’t feel like my friends. My partner doesn’t feel like my partner. My partner left, and went to give me a kiss goodbye, and I just sat there frozen, looking straight ahead. I didn’t move, I didn’t acknowledge her, I said nothing. She kissed me on the cheek, said goodbye, and left. But I wasn’t even really aware of her leaving until she had already gone. It was as though I were dreaming while she was leaving, and then I awoke to then remember the dream of her leaving, and wished I had acted differently. Had wished that I had said goodbye or had acknowledged her in some way. But then again I don’t. I feel like I don’t even know her. She feels like a total stranger. She could come, she could go, and it would mean nothing to me.
Where did I go? Has a substitute Brandic showed up in my place? An unfeeling, numb, robotic Brandic? That looks and talks very much like the real me, and yet, is not?
I am surrounded by a thick fog. A fog which turns everything upside down and backwards. A fog which makes the world almost feel black and white instead of color. Makes the world feel strange and hollow and unrecognizable.
I am getting lost in this fog. How am I to get out? How am I to find myself?