Chaos and containment

My brain is a mess at the moment. It’s taking every ounce of energy I have to hold myself together. I feel like if I’m not careful, my brain will explode and get all over everything. I just… wish I knew what was going on. Is this happening because my relationship with Bean is rocky at the moment? Is so much of my mental sanity (what other kind is there) wrapped up in my relationship with this person?

The last session I had with her (or maybe it was the session before last?) she told me she sees our relationship being a long-term one, and she wants to see me through to the other side of all this stuff. She wants to walk with me through the fire of healing, so to speak, and help me get out the other side. It was very reassuring to hear at the time- that she’s committed. She wants to help me. She’s not afraid of the big stuff. She is not going to abandon me.

At least… That’s what she said. Not in those words, but more or less she was saying she’s not going to walk away when the going gets tough.

The question is: how the hell does she know that? It’s the same thing my last therapist told me – that she’ll stick it out with me til the end. That she wasn’t going anywhere. For those who’ve been reading along since the beginning, you know that didn’t happen. She dropped me like a hot potato as soon as I began seriously trying to set boundaries with her. So yeah, people say a lot of things, don’t they…

I can’t trust her. I refuse to let myself trust her. She let her friggin husband come into the room as I was leaving! And STAND there next to her as I said goodbye! What. The. Fuck. How could she allow that to happen? Why did she allow something so unsettling and destabilizing to happen? Why didn’t she act like a buffer? Tell him to give me space? Tell him to leave? Why did she allow him to invade our relationship? WHY?!!!!

She’s obviously not to be trusted. What was I thinking. What was I thinking when I thought she was safe? What was I thinking when I thought she was trustworthy? What was I thinking when I thought she wouldn’t betray me? Because that’s essentially what happened last Thursday. She betrayed me. She allowed our relationship to get tainted. Injected with poison. Corrupted. And she did nothing to stop it. And she had the audacity to tell me that she noticed how uncomfortable I was around her husband. It would almost be better if she hadn’t noticed how uncomfortable I was. But the fact that she noticed, and didn’t do anything about it…

Well, it’s a huge betrayal. It’s what my parents did. They saw me struggling and they did nothing. It’s what my teachers did. They saw me struggling and they did nothing. She did nothing. She happily stood there while her husband walked right over to us and let him stay there until I was gone. She let him permanently take away the safety of our relationship, and she did nothing.

Well… At least I’ve figured out why my inner world has been in a state of upheaval this week. :/

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Chaos and containment

  1. I’m glad you’re letting out your anger in a safe way like this. But I think you’re engaging in a lot of negative thought patterns right now. You don’t know what she said to her husband after you left.

    Are you afraid of the big stuff? Are you committed? Do you want to stick this out to the end? Do you want to go through the fire of healing?

    • I can understand to an outsider why posts this week relating to my therapist seem like I’m engaging in “negative thinking.” However, it’s not as simplistic as this.

      I have issues with trust, and I’ve been hurt and have had boundaries blurred by prior therapists. What happened last week with my therapists husband, I truly feel, should not have happened. Yes of course I don’t know what she said to her husband after I left, but it seems pretty clear and simple to me what his relationship should be like with her clients: there should be none. If she needs someone to assist in her practice – letting in clients, greeting them and asking them to wait until she is ready – whether it be her husband or anyone else, she should be very clear about this ahead of time, explain when and why this is going to happen, and also be sure to introduce the client to this person ahead of time. Would you not agree?

      Because of this, I feel like boundaries and trust were violated. So, no I am not certain I am in it for the long run – with this therapist. I’m not running. I’m not afraid of the big issues. That’s why I’m choosing to confront her on these things and to show up to therapy today rather than give up. I’m not a quitter. And I wouldn’t be in therapy if I were afraid of walking through the fire of healing. But when a trust has been betrayed, there are going to be feelings, and reactions, and hurt. I don’t think my reactions are uncalled for or unjustified. It’s her job to keep the therapy relationship safe and she failed to do that. Now the question is, can we work through these things and can she redeem herself do that we can begin rebuilding the trust? I hope so, but as I’ve expressed in my posts, only time will determine that.

  2. I apologize for sounding as if I wasn’t validating you or as if you’re reactions are uncalled for. They are completely understandable due to your difficulties with trust. I consider negative thinking to be a trauma reaction. Trauma undoubtedly results in negative thoughts and feelings about others that may or may not be true. And it sounds like you are being consumed by these thoughts and feelings, am I correct? My point was basically that it can only cause you more anxiety and depressed and numb feelings to be consumed by these thoughts and feelings. Thoughts like ‘I don’t matter to her, I never mattered to anyone’ are trauma reactions in the form of negative thought patterns.

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