I’m not sure what happened. I was feeling good, doing fine. Until suddenly I wasn’t. Suddenly breathing started getting harder, more labored. This strange, foreign feeling began sliding up my body and made me feel like I was losing control. How does this happen? How could my piece of mind be taken from me so violently and so suddenly?
What is happening. Why is this happening. How can something change so drastically and so suddenly without any seeming provocation?
I need everyone to get away, get away, get away!
Nobody is safe. Nowhere is safe.
I am in a state of panic. Writing on here is the only thing that’s keeping me focused, keeping me from slipping over the edge. Slipping over the edge. What is the edge. What’s on the other side of the edge.
I can’t… do anything.
Enough is enough.
My mind is slowly slipping away from me.
Slipping slowly away.
My body is on edge, ready to fight. To fight the unknown threat. Always unknown, forever unknown. What is the real threat? Am I a threat to myself? Sometimes I think that I am my own biggest threat.
My mind is… ever slipping, ever sliding further and further from me. Like a fish in my hands. Wriggling, slipping away. Can’t keep a firm grasp on it.
Where am I ? What is happening? I can hear the wind in the trees. I am appreciative of the wind in this moment. The wind anchors me to this moment. The wind is the only thing that’s keeping me here in the present, here in this room, here in this world.
You can feel the wind but you can’t see it. Kind of like anxiety. Kind of like panic.
I need an anchor. I need an anchor. I need to be anchored to this world right now. I am wanting to float off… float away…
WIND BE MY ANCHOR.
No. No the wind cannot. Nothing in this world can keep me here.
Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
I exist only in nothingness. My body is trapped between what is and what isn’t. I am being spun. Out of control. I cannot have human contact. PEOPLE GET AWAY.
I exist in nothingness. I am real only where there is nothingness. I am false where there is substance. I do not exist where there is substance.
I must burn. I must burn. I must burn.
Wind blow me away. Scatter me. I cannot stay here. Stagnant. Ever stagnant. No one knowing. No one understanding. No one understanding. Wanting to understand yet ever beyond understandings reach.
There is no warmth here. Only cold. Only cold. Only cold. Cold wind. Shatter my bones. Take them with you. Don’t leave them here. Don’t leave them here to sit, to sag, to wither. Let them ride on the cold winds, ever moving, moving away, away from here.
I want to be out at sea. Floating. Waves lapping over my body. Sun. Happy. Warm.
Not here. Here is cold. Here is mean. Here is unsafe. Here is violent. Here is wretched. Here is unkind.
Maybe I should go. Maybe I should go. Go where. Riding the waves. Riding the wind. Never to be seen again. Vanished. Gone. Scattered.
Scattered with time. Scattered by air. Scattered by water. Scattered.
Never to be seen from again.
Take me with you and drown me. Down, down, down, down, down.