At the edge

I feel as though I’m standing at the edge of something. A big something. Before me is a great drop. I have clung on to this edge for so long but now I’m feeling like I’m starting to lose my grip. That I’m not even sure I want to keep hanging on.

I’m not talking about wanting to end my life – please don’t worry. I’m not talking about it in the literal sense.

It’s just, nothing feels certain at this time. I just took my car to be checked, for example, and was told there may be something wrong with the transmission. Even the vehicle I use to transport myself around this city is not necessarily safe right now. And it may end up costing me thousands of dollars to fix it.

My therapist wants me to go on psych meds. I’m open to that – after all I’ve been really struggling this past year since I’ve been off of them. However, not having any health insurance makes this proposition very tricky. Psych meds can cost upwards of several hundred dollars a month, something that I can’t afford. I’m trying to find out about ways to see a psychiatrist and get psych meds through the county for cheaper, but it’s not going to be easy.

I have doctors and hospital bills hanging over my head, totaling at about four thousand dollars from my trip to the emergency room about a month back. I haven’t even begun to figure out how I’m going to pay for that.

And to top everything off, things are very precarious with my therapist right now. We’ve had some email exchange since our last session, after which I felt quite discouraged, and the exchange has only led to more frustration and feelings of being misunderstood. I’m starting to question whether this one is the right one after all.

So this is a venting post, it turns out. I apologize for those who were hoping for something else…

I am sitting in the parking lot in my car. I’m an hour early to my appointment with my therapist. I wanted to allow enough time to arrive and let my mind settle. Driving over here, after being told the news about my car, I was on the verge of crying numerous times. But it was almost as though the feeling of wanting to cry was its own entity, its own creature, that was moving around inside me. Coming and going. Pushing to the front of my body and then receding to the back. Getting stronger and then fading. I had no control over it.

I must leave you here, because I really don’t have anything else to say at this time, and sadness and melancholy seem to be taking a front seat. I just wonder how much longer I can keep this up, keep holding myself together, keep being strong and independent and reliable. I feel as though I’m starting to break. Can a human mind break in the same way a body can break? In the same way a cars transmission can break?

I suppose only time will tell. If you have any advice for how to hold a mind together, some sort of mental super-glue if you will, I would love to hear it.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “At the edge

  1. I’m feeling very similar at the moment. Change is terrifying, and not KNOWING what’s going to happen next or if I’ll get through it is even more so.

    I’m trying to adopt a “what will be will be” attitude, which is much easier said than done. But the only way the help my mind cope is to focus on the future. Once I’ve defined where I want to be next, I make plans on how I’ll get there. I’m finding mapping it out in ridiculous detail is helping me feel more in control of my life.

    Good luck, if you want a friendly face let me know.

    Jess

  2. what violetblot said is way better advice than I could give…I second what she said. I am not very experienced in psychmed issues except that all therapists I’ve ever gone to have suggested them and I have said no till now. I’m not too certain what the process is except for what my therapist said, which wasn’t much. I don’t know if this will comfort you at all but I think that whether or not you go back on medication, I think you have a good support system and the resources to heal. Medication is more of a short term fix anyway. It won’t get to the root of the problem. Just help you feel better while you get there.

    As for the emails with your therapist, do you think that things could be getting misinterpreted? I know that when stuff is written down it can be misread no matter how clear someone tries to make it. This is why my T tells me I can email her but she won’t respond till she sees me in person. I hope you get this worked out.

    Thinking of you,
    L

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