Calm chaos

Everything feels so wrong. Is this me? I can hardly recognize myself among the mess that is me right now.

I am being torn to pieces. Inside not outside.

I need something stable to hold onto. Yet there is nothing. There. Nowhere.

I hold onto the rope for dear life, only to find the rope has been cut. There’s no one holding the other end. It falls to the ground lifeless.

This isn’t good. Maybe I should go on meds sooner than later. I think the time for waiting and seeing is over.

A cold is enveloping my heart. I wonder how it will survive.

I am being bounced from one thought ball to another. Lots of thought balls bouncing at the same time. Which thought ball is mine. I wish I knew. They all feel like mine and none of them feel like mine, all at the same time.

Does everything make sense and nothing make sense at the same time? Does this make sense?

I’m leaning toward nothing making sense. Nothing is making any sense. Least of all myself. Least of all everything around me.

Which is chaotic, the world or myself. Am I the calm that lies in the chaotic world, or am I the chaos that lies in the calm world. Can both be true?

Oh my, I’m starting to sound fairly insane at this point, aren’t I. Well.. Hmm I suppose not much can be done about that. I can’t alter my brain after all.. if only I could… Or can I?

I usually don’t worry about myself. I usually leave the worrying up to other people. But I have to say, this is starting to worry me.

Which part of me wrote those poems earlier? Was that me? Hmm.

What was I talking about?

I think I should probably stop while I still have a mind to stop me. Before I go spilling out entirely.


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