Poking holes

I have been believing that I have these other parts to me, right? That I have these parts, these dissociated selves?

I am starting to poke holes in that theory.

I believe that I am one person. One united person. Do I have dissociation? Yes. Do I experience depersonalization and derealization? Yes. Do I have PTSD related to past trauma? Yes. Do I have DID, or DDNOS with alters? I am inclined to think not.

If I have these parts, then where have they been the past week. Where is this so-called “R”. Gone. Vanished. Maybe didn’t exist in the first place?

As others have brought to my attention recently, I tend to vacillate from one end of the spectrum to the other. That I swing from acceptance to denial. And apparently the way I am thinking now is me being in “denial.” To me, the way I am thinking is just common sense. I won’t believe something until it is proven to be true. Do these other parts exist? I don’t know. Can it be proven? Apparently it cannot. Therefore, why would I have any reason to believe it? I may entertain it as a possibility, but why should I function under the assumption that these parts are real and true when in fact they may very well be fiction. They very well be made up or imaginary. And what then. What if I live my life believing that I have alters, and so I treat these “parts” of me (and when I say “parts”, I mean the kind of parts that everyone has) as though they were their own unique people. Wouldn’t this in fact hurt me more than it would help me?

What I mean is, everyone has parts to them. For some people, these parts are more distinct, and they act independently (or relatively independently) of one another. People with DID for example. Then there are people who feel more or less whole. For me, I lie somewhere in between. I live in the gray area. Therefore, it only seems reasonable then that I can choose how to think of these different parts of myself. I can think of them as more separate, or I can think of them as simply parts of me. And for me, it makes more sense to treat them as parts of me. Of the whole me. Because that’s what they are. They are not people. They don’t operate independently of me. I am not one of many. I am one with multiple parts to me. There is a strong side of me. There is a weak side of me. Sometimes I feel younger. Sometimes I feel angrier. But I recognize it as me.

If I start to believe that I have dissociated selves, I start to feel crazy. It’s as simple as that. I have to be strong. I feel like I am the thread that binds my sense of self together. Cut that thread and I will come apart in pieces. I must be strong, I must remain positive, I must keep moving forward. Because forward momentum is the only thing that I know. If things were to come to a halt, I feel like I would cease to exist. I must keep moving forward. Ever moving, ever progressing.

 

Speaking of progressing…

 

I am going to do a training workshop to become a hiking leader! I am very excited about this. I made this decision today, because I want to get back in shape. This body is sorely out of shape, and I think I have used my back pain as an excuse to not get out there and be active and doing things for far too long.

The training is in two weeks. I have emailed the coordinator to see if there’s still space in the seminar. And then once I’ve done the training, I can start planning my first hike! Or it could even be a bike ride!

 

This weekend is a VERY busy weekend. Tonight I have a concert to go to, and then tomorrow, we have a friends birthday across town. Very excited for all of it! And so excited to be back on my bike!

More to come……………….

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