Starting fresh

I’ve decided it’s time to start over. I think I’ve been doubting myself so much, and that’s where a lot of the inner conflict has stemmed from.

I think a big part of the problem is that I can be manipulative. I have tried to manipulate people and situations in the past to gain sympathy or support or understanding. I’m not blaming myself, or even judging it. But I’m at a point in my life where I want to be straightforward and honest. And if I catch myself being manipulative, I want to stop it immediately.

The problem is that I haven’t been trusting myself, therefore I haven’t been able to differentiate between what is real and what is fabrication. My biggest fear was that I was lying (a form of manipulation) unknowingly and that I wouldn’t even be able to tell that I was lying. My fear was not only that I was lying, but that I would be convincing myself of my own lies.

I realize I have to give myself a little more credit. I realize I have a good sense of what is going on within me, I just need to trust it. I realize I have good intuition, and I also am a good detector if something feels genuine or if it feels like manipulation. And my “manipulation radar detector” is going off. I’ve been trying to convince myself and others of things these last few weeks. What those things are doesn’t even really matter. What matters is, I’m ready to start fresh, with new eyes, and a new outlook, ready and willing to trust myself more. This self doubt has really been getting the best of me and has created a war in my mind where there doesn’t even need to be. I can be at peace with myself, I just need to trust myself.

I can be at peace with myself, I just need to trust myself.

A good lesson to learn. Well… to practice rather. It’s one of those things that one always has to work on. There’s never a day where someone wakes up and says, I’ve learned my lesson! I’m going to trust myself completely from here on out! No, it’s something we must return to, over and over again. It’s something that is so easy to forget.

So… I will leave you with that. I am starting over, with a clean slate. Ready and willing to start trusting myself again. And having the humility to admit when I am trying to manipulate the truth to make things seem more in my favor. Because it doesn’t help anyone and it just hurts me. I am returning to a place of honesty and genuineness. And above all, trust in myself.

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