I am not okay. I’m not even close to okay. I don’t even know what’s going on inside my head right now, that’s why I thought I would write. Just to get it out of my head and into conscious awareness. So much anger. Toward Bean. Where does this come from? I don’t understand… So much anger. Feeling like she betrayed me. Did she betray me? What she did was end the session. There was someone else waiting. But she knew I wasn’t okay. I even told her I wasn’t okay. She said, “I know you’re not okay.” You KNOW I’m not okay? Is that your idea of being reassuring while you send me off into the wolves? Before she had a chance to tell me, ONCE AGAIN, that our time was up, that I was wasting her time, that I was eating into the session with her next client, I ran out. Ran. Out. She didn’t let me out. I let myself out. And she was still in her office when I ran from the waiting room. At least I think. I don’t even know. I didn’t even turn around to look.
What is going on?! Why is this so hard? THERAPY SHOULD NOT BE THIS HARD. I was terrified and horribly anxious when I arrived, I immediately went into a younger part when I went in there, I became a terrified younger part who ended up HIDING in a ball on the floor underneath a blanket the ENTIRE session.
How is this possibly productive? It’s not!
I’m feeling so angry right now. It’s not her fault that I wasted the ENTIRE therapy session hiding and not speaking. It’s not her fault, it’s my own damn fault. And then why am I so angry with her? She did everything she was supposed to do. She said things like, “The one expectation I have of therapy… Well actually… It’s less of an expectation and more of a longing really. I long for you to feel safe here. For this to feel like a safe place for you.” And, “Would you like me to keep taking? Because I can keep talking if it feels safer. But if it feels safer for me to not talk, you can tell me that as well.” We told her it was safer if she didn’t talk. Ugggggg WHY?! And, “Would it be alright if I come closer so I can hear what you’re saying? If its too close, please let me know and I’ll move further away.”
She WANTS me to trust her. She WANTS me to not feel terrified every time I walk in there. BUT I DON’T. Plain and simple. I don’t trust her and I don’t feel safe. And I really don’t know what she can say or do to change that, if anything.
She made the observation today that something about her, or me being there, is activating me. Great. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THAT.
God that just felt like the worlds biggest waste of time. And I’m feeling so ANGRY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???
It’s like, I hate her. I hate her with a passion. HATE. But why? Why would I hate her? Does she remind me of someone else? (She asked me that in session – I said I didn’t know.) Is there something that she says or does that triggers me? WISH THE FUCK I KNEW. Do I not trust her because of the whole situation that happened with her husband? I HAVE NO IDEA. I THOUGHT I WAS OVER THAT AND HAD MOVED ON.
But the truth is, a part of me IS scared of her. Terrified. And I don’t know why. And I don’t know how to rectify the situation and make it better. I truly don’t. Session with her seem to be getting worse, not better.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO WORK THIS OUT. AND I CAN ONLY SEE HER ONCE PER WEEK TO TRY TO WORK THIS OUT – and that is IMMENSELY difficult. But maybe twice a week would be too activating. And anyway, she can’t even DO twice a week, so what am I talking about. And I can’t get mad at her for that, because she was clear right off the bat that’s all she could do. Unless I was in a state of crisis, in which case we could schedule in an extra session here or there, or talk on the phone between sessions. But typically, once a week is what she can do.
WHY AM I SO ANGRY AT HER????
I am so angry, I’m seriously having thoughts about wanting her to suffer and die. WTF. Transference perhaps? I HAVE NO IDEA.
I DON’T feel like she’s my ally. I DON’T feel like I could email her right now or call her and leave her a message right now. Why? I DON’T KNOW. Why don’t I trust her. I JUST DON’T.
GOD I HATE THIS.
The pain, it’s unbearable. Unbearable. It hurts. It feels like its going to swallow me up whole. I can’t do it. I can’t do this. I can’t go through this every week. I just can’t. It’s too painful.
Why is this so hard? Why can’t I trust her? Why does she trigger me so bad? Why is a part of me so frightened of her.
Maybe I should stop writing. My chest is tightening and I’m starting to feel panic coming on.
There are times when I wish I had killed myself when times were at there hardest. This is one of those times. Wishing I was in the ground, six feet deep to be exact, right about now.