The name of this movie is,
ATTACK OF THE ANXIETY.
Okay not really…
Well, okay really.
Here’s the tricky thing. I get this pain in my chest from time to time. I know it’s linked to something emotionally but I’ve never been able to figure out what. I’m experiencing it now. I can’t tell if the pain in my chest is anxiety, if the pain in my chest accompanies anxiety, or if the pain in my chest and the anxiety are separate and just happen to be occurring at the same time.
This whole afternoon I’ve been plagued by overwhelming anxiety. Have no idea why. Have no idea what it’s connected to. It feels like I’m drowning in it. And not only that, it’s like there’s someone underneath me in the water, tugging at my ankles to pull me even deeper under.
I want to scream. But I can’t. The scream is locked inside.
I want to run. But I can’t. The energy is l0cked inside.
I want to cry. But I can’t. The tears are trapped inside.
I am in the midst of an emotional tornado that feels as though its ripping my body to shreds. WHY CAN’T I BE CONNECTED TO THE FEELINGS? That’s one of the most frustrating things with dissociation: the lack of ability to figure out what it is that I’m feeling. I know I’m feeling something. It’s just – what is it???
I can feel the physical sensations, which is hard to bear in itself, and I can feel the pressure pushing from inside. Physical pressure. It feels like something or someone is tearing at my insides. Like they are trapped inside my body and are scratching and clawing to be let out.
Huh, maybe I should listen to that…? Is there a part of me who needs to come out and express something?
See… no. I can’t do it. I can’t. I have to remain in control. And with the control will remain this unbearable pressure and this overwhelming anxiety.
When will this end. When.
Maybe when I let go of the control? Maybe?