Needing

A part of me thinks that I shouldn’t need. That needing is weak. That needing is bad. That needing is wrong. It’s really hard to truly let myself believe otherwise.

Bean wants me to feel safe with her but she doesn’t want me to need her. She wants me to maintain a safe, professional distance. A safe professional distance. I can do that. I’ve been doing that my whole life. I don’t need to need you Bean. I don’t need to need anyone.

My last therapist, S, encouraged me to need her. Encouraged me to trust her. Encouraged me to rely on her. She told me over and over that she would be my ballast. Do you know what ballast is? I didn’t at the time so she explained. She told me that if a ship has to sail across the ocean to pick up cargo, and it is empty, it can easily tip over and be capsized when a storm comes because there is nothing weighing it down. She explained that ballast is something, usually big tubs of water or sand or something, to help weigh down the ship so that it won’t turn over in a storm. She told me she would be my ballast. I let myself trust her. I let myself rely on her. I let myself need her. She broke my trust. She severed the relationship. She said she didn’t think I had DID after all. She said she felt I have borderline personality disorder and referred me to other therapists who specialized in this. All through an email. She didn’t even have the decency to end things in person.

So am I to trust Bean? Right. Trust. Yeah. Whatever that is. Trust without needing. Right.

I have never needed anyone. I don’t need anyone. I will never need anyone.

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