At my limit

Everyone has a limit, right? Of things they can handle? Well, I feel as though I’ve met my limit. It’s looking me straight in the face. And I’m about to crumble.

I don’t know if I can take this job anymore. I consider myself a pretty patient person but I don’t think I can handle much more.

I know it’s Friday. I know I’ve had a long week. I know I didn’t get much sleep last night. But this isn’t just me having a bad day or a hard week. This is my emotional well-being screaming out that it can’t take anymore. That I need to give myself a break. And if I don’t I’m going to have a total break-down.

I don’t have the patience of a saint (sadly), and this job is really testing me. What do I do. They need me and I need the money. And this child is very attached. I can’t just up and leave. I’ve been wanting to plan a week long vacation – literally to not go anywhere, just stay home – but I wonder, will that even be enough? Is this job taking too much of a toll on me?

I feel as though I’m suffocating. Not externally but internally. I feel my soul is in prison and all I can do is try to manage the overwhelm. But that’s not how life should be. Life should not be so consistently overwhelming. A job should not be so consistently overwhelming.

Maybe I should start looking for another job. With that idea comes loads of guilt. What about the current family I work for. How could I possibly abandon them like that? How can I walk away from this child? Just because I feel overwhelmed by him? That doesn’t seem right or fair. After all, that’s what my own mother did to me. Walk away when I overwhelmed her. I will not do that to a child, even if it’s not my own.

And yet to stay and care for him keeps me trapped in my own emotional prison. What do I do? The only option it seems at this time is to try and make my prison cell as comfortable and tolerable as I can. After all, haven’t I done that my whole life? Tolerated the intolerable?

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