I walk around this world
With a smile pressed on my face.
I say “hello,” “please,” and “thank you”.
I make plans. I email friends. I chat about this and that.
Yet none of them can really see
The pain that is overwhelming me.
This pain, this invisible pain,
Has always been hidden away.
I’ve hidden it so well,
Not even I can find it.
Not even I can feel it.
Not even I can heal it.
Yet it exists.
And it drowns me every day.
No one is allowed to see it.
No one is allowed to know it.
No one is allowed to witness it.
Because seeing and knowing and witnessing
Make it real.
I created this me, this unreal me
So no one can ever see.
No one can see that my heart has been punctured.
No one can see the bleeding inside.
No one can see the hurt me, the abused me, the worthless me.
They see a smiling face.
They hear a confident voice.
They think this person is strong, is happy, is capable.
This person is me. And how wrong that is.
If you could only see inside
You could see
The one that is real.
The one that is really me.
The real me.