Living with a serious dissociative disorder, every day is a battle. If it’s not an external battle – fighting tiredness, fighting bodily pain, fighting to maintain a semblance of peace in your life, then its an inner one – non-stop inner turmoil, non-stop inner conflict, non-stop switching, non-stop triggers, non-stop chaos in your head. The more I learn about dissociation the more I learn that these things that I experience are not “typical” human experiences, but rather experienced by those with severe mental health issues, and very commonly by those with a dissociative disorder.
To live with a dissociative disorder is to find it near impossible to find peace. To live with a dissociative disorder is to find it near impossible to find calm. To live with a dissociative disorder is to find it near impossible to find balance. Because the nature of a dissociative mind is one that has had to make order out of chaos. A state of chaos is “normal” for a dissociative individual. Knowing this actually makes me feel a lot better, because it helps me to realize that all these things that for so much of my life caused me to feel like a total freak and a total outsider are actually shared common experiences that exist for other people who have similar histories and similar ways of coping: the former specifically being a trauma-filled childhood, the latter being dissociation.
As theoretical as I could delve, the reality always comes back and knocks me upside the head: living with a dissociative disorder is bloody hard. And some days it feels damn near impossible.
Today is one of those days…