A hurting heart

My heart is hurting. I had a conversation today with a friend about my mom. Specifically how she didn’t give me what I needed. How she would often ignore me, or inadvertently make me feel like I was bothering her. I asked this friend why my mom didn’t love me. She responded by saying, I think she did, just in her own way. And for some reason, this idea hurts the most. I never knew that the idea of someone loving you can hurt. But it does.

My heart is literally aching. I wish I could somehow be able to cry these feelings out but I can’t. They are bottled up inside, where they will remain.

It hurts that parents can love you and also cause you so much pain. It hurts that parents can love you, and not give you what you need. It hurts that parents can love you, and not protect you from harm. It hurts that parents can love you, yet never teach you to love yourself.

I need to stop writing. It’s hurting just too much.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “A hurting heart

  1. I’m so sorry you’re hurting brandic 😦

    I remember talking to my T about this subject a little while ago. I was surprised when she said that in the majority of abusive families she sees, the parents love their children. A lot.

    So how is that possible? For love and abuse(whether it’s physical, emotional, or sexual) to go hand in hand? I loved my mom regardless of her psychological abuse, though I don’t feel like I love her now. But I don’t abuse her. How is it possible that she loves me?

    It’s because these parents have PROBLEMS. They love their kids, but they have serious problems that prevent them from showing their love in a healthy way.

    I don’t know if any of that helps. I just want you to know I’m thinking of you. I think it’s good for you to have these feelings. This may be a good topic to discuss with your therapist?

  2. Bourbon

    It hurts. But that pain isn’t going to beat you. It may come and go. And when it comes you may feel it is the end of the world and you just want to die. But hold onto those who love you, and show you, and tell you, and you will walk out the other end of these horrific times of loss and mourning and grief and torture, alive. x

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