I don’t know what I’m feeling one minute to the next. One minute I’m numb. The next minute depressed. The next minute despairing. The next minute, pressure and anger pushing up from seemingly nowhere. I’m being flooded with denial. Alternating with feeling completely in over my head. That this is really too much for me to handle.
A friend suggested I reach out to Bean and tell her what’s going on. I can’t. First of all, I have to wait all the way until next Thursday to see her. She couldn’t do our regular Monday appointment cause she said she had a work thing she can’t get out of. So I’ve shut her off completely. She is a stranger to me at the moment. Someone who exists in some far away world that is not my own.
Another reason I don’t want to reach out is, I wouldn’t even know what to tell her. I don’t even know what I’m feeling. I don’t even know what’s going on with me and why. I guess the truth is I don’t have to have it all figured out in order to reach out to her. But… Knowing this and believing it are two different things.
At this precise moment, numbness has moved in and has laid a cloak over my mind, over my feelings, over my thoughts, over my emotions. Numb. Numb. Numb. Without feeling. Empty. Hollow.
Sinking. Longing. Sadness. Mourning. Anger. Despair. Neediness. Frustration. Overwhelm. Pressure. Pushing. Shutting down. Heavy. Numb.
I have just cycled through all of these in the span of thirty seconds.
Great Brandic, great. What do you want, a medal?
Ugh. Mind please go away. Please just go away.