I feel completely dead inside. I have no motivation to do anything. Depression has rolled in like a thick heavy fog and has settled into every last crevice of my mind. I feel like if someone were to cut off my arm I wouldn’t even feel it. That’s how deadened I feel.
I am controlling my body like a ventriloquist controls the movements of a dummy. Yet the ventriloquist doesn’t feel what the dummy is feeling. The dummy is an inanimate object after all.
When someone talks to me, I make sure my eyes are looking at them. I tell myself to nod my head and say “uh huh” at appropriate times. I tell myself to smile when someone says something funny. I tell myself to look concerned when someone seems upset. Yet there is zero feeling behind these actions. No care. No concern. No joy. No empathy. No excitement. No annoyance. No frustration. No connection. Nothing. But I don’t even care that I don’t have these things. After all, my inner world is dead.
Has my inner world become frozen? Things die when they are frozen, do they not? What condition will I be in once this freeze has melted. Will there be any feeling left? Will there be any me left?