I have therapy with Bean tomorrow and I am dreading it. The last time I saw her she rescheduled our appointment this week from Monday untilThursday. Just your regular schedule adjustment, right? Wrong.
For whatever reason, it felt like total rejection and abandonment. Especially since when this sort of thing has happened in the past, and we’ve had to rearrange days that we meet, she’s offered to add an extra session somewhere in there so that it doesn’t feel like I’m going quite as long without therapy sessions.
This time, she didn’t offer to add an extra session. However, in the past I’m pretty sure I expressed to her the need for an extra session. I felt like I was able to do this because up until now, it was always me rescheduling the session. But this time, she was the one who needed to reschedule. Her work interfered. Her being the one to change the date of when we see each other next left me feeling completely helpless; stripped of all assertion, power, and rights to ask for anything. I understand logically that this is not the case. However, my emotional mind feels otherwise. So… I didn’t ask for it.
We have now gone almost a week and a half without a single shred of contact. I will often email her with updates or copies of particular blogs I would like her to read. What did I send her these past ten days? Absolutely nothing. Zero.
It’s not just that I’ve cut off all contact. I also quite literally feel no connection to her at the moment. I’ve felt this way this past entire week and a half. It’s as though she were never in my life to begin with. Or as though she were someone that I knew long ago but cannot place the connection.
I hope that tomorrow our connection can be brought back from the land of the dead to the land of the living. I’m tired of feeling as though I’m sitting out on a limb, all by myself. The wait between now and tomorrow’s appointment, however, is excruciating.