I want to be able to feel the full extent of love. I wonder… What is it like to really feel love. And have I felt this before? I know I’ve felt gratitude for people in my life. Like my amazing UK friend and my partner. This gratitude comes in waves and is gone just as quickly. Are gratitude and love the same thing? I wonder.
Because so many of my feelings are dissociated – the anger, the rage, the sadness, the fear – I think good feelings are dissociated too. Including love. Which isn’t to say I don’t feel love at all. I do. Just in a very limited way. Or at least that’s how it feels.
Most of the time, when I think about people I know I love – friends, partner, family members, I feel nothing. I think of them, and can rationally understand what they mean to me, but as far as feelings go, I don’t actually feel anything most of the time. No warmth. No affection. No love. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not some cold, unfeeling bitch. It’s as though these feelings are stored in a place I don’t have access to. And when they do come, they come unexpectedly and out of the blue, only to be gone moments later.
I’m curious what other people’s experience of love is. Is it a constant feeling that they have toward someone? Is it the equivalent of gratitude? Or is it different. Does it come and go unexpectantly in the way it does for me? Do other people feel as though their ability to love is limited as I do? I would love to hear other people’s thoughts on love, however different or similar their experience might be to mine.