On life and love

I want to be able to feel the full extent of love. I wonder… What is it like to really feel love. And have I felt this before? I know I’ve felt gratitude for people in my life. Like my amazing UK friend and my partner. This gratitude comes in waves and is gone just as quickly. Are gratitude and love the same thing? I wonder.

Because so many of my feelings are dissociated – the anger, the rage, the sadness, the fear – I think good feelings are dissociated too. Including love. Which isn’t to say I don’t feel love at all. I do. Just in a very limited way. Or at least that’s how it feels.

Most of the time, when I think about people I know I love – friends, partner, family members, I feel nothing. I think of them, and can rationally understand what they mean to me, but as far as feelings go, I don’t actually feel anything most of the time. No warmth. No affection. No love. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not some cold, unfeeling bitch. It’s as though these feelings are stored in a place I don’t have access to. And when they do come, they come unexpectedly and out of the blue, only to be gone moments later.

I’m curious what other people’s experience of love is. Is it a constant feeling that they have toward someone? Is it the equivalent of gratitude? Or is it different. Does it come and go unexpectantly in the way it does for me? Do other people feel as though their ability to love is limited as I do? I would love to hear other people’s thoughts on love, however different or similar their experience might be to mine.

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2 responses to “On life and love

  1. For me…

    I feel love. Sometimes I feel it strongly. But there are barriers in between my love and other people. Walls that either I put up myself or seem to just be there. Because who is to say that when I try to express my love, they won’t shove it right back in my face? Best to keep it safe and close to me. If I keep my love close to me, it won’t come back at me like a boomerang. And it won’t become damaged.

    I also feel indifference. About the same people I love. I don’t think the love is gone when I feel indifferent, it’s just that indifference is another wall. A way to keep myself safe.

    I don’t think it’s the equivalent of gratitude. Although if someone does something for me that makes me feel gratitude, they probably love me. And I will probably push them away, because gratitude does not repay their kindness. And I don’t like to owe people.

    I don’t feel like my love is limited. I feel like I love too much. I can become so attached. And then, when the attachment is lost, I grieve.

  2. For me, the only people I’m absolutely sure I love are my sisters. I would do ANYTHING for them, and if anyone hurt them, I would hunt them down and tear them apart. It’s a mix of tenderness and fierceness.

    Then there’s my boyfriendish-type person. I don’t know quite what romantic love feels like, but I imagine it’s something like this. I can talk to him for hours about anything under the sun, and we have so many inside jokes our conversations probably sound like gibberish to everyone else. He makes me laugh. I never want to hurt him, and I can imagine spending the rest of my life with him. But I have a lot of trouble with the physical side of the relationship–I just dissociate and can’t connect that way. But I think that’s the closest I’ll ever come to romantic love.

    I don’t know if that answers your question, since I’m not really sure of how to classify my experience. But there it is.

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