Last night I got up the courage to come out and ask my therapist if she thought I have DID. She plain and simply said: yes. I don’t actually remember what else she said exactly. I remember her saying she believes R is real. I remember her saying that I definitely have the amnesia piece. She also said that she doesn’t believe a therapist can “create” DID in a client – something I’ve thought from time to time about my last therapist, specifically that she created the DID in me by the power of suggestion.
I went in there with the intention of asking the question. I think a big part of me wanted to her to say “yes”, that the DID is real. So I can stop with all the back and forth. I’ve been struggling with this for a long time.
My therapist is an expert in the field of dissociation. She even researches it. I trust that she really knows what she’s talking about. Also, given my history, I doubt very much that she would answer so definitively “yes” without being absolutely sure. Now it’s just a matter of trusting.
A part of me wants to think that I’ve done a good job of convincing her. That I’m an extra good actor. But she said last night, “I believe R is real.” Now it’s just a matter of me believing she’s real.
I’m pretty sure I have other parts, in fact I know I have other parts, it’s just harder to accept they are as “real” because they don’t have as strong a sense of self as R does. But that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Perhaps they are more like fragments, I don’t know.
Last night, upon arriving home from therapy, an overwhelming sense of terror and emotional pain overtook me. It hit me that all of this is real, that all of this is true. I can’t wake up one day and say, oh yes I was just dreaming all of that. This is not a dream. This is reality. And this is my life. And I’m ready to face it so that I might heal.
The thing is, what if there is no buried, hidden trauma (as my therapist believes there might be). What if the traumatic things that I remember are it. What would that mean.
I know I have extreme amounts of fear and terror inside me. And I don’t know why. So perhaps the next step in therapy is uncovering the source of this fear. If that’s even possible. I must be patient. Although I have to say, I’m not a very patient person. I guess this perhaps is something I need to learn. That you can’t force things. That they will come when they are ready. Bleh. Ready shmeddy.