This pain began last night. It took a breather during the day today, but it has come back full force this evening. Not a physical pain. Or I should say, not a physical pain that has physical origins. This is a physical pain, but I know it is rooted in a deep emotional pain.
That’s all I know about it. That it is rooted in emotional pain. I don’t know any other of its qualities. I don’t know if its a sadness, a longing, a mourning, an anger… I wish I did. All I know is that it is there. And it’s excruciating.
I wish I had a calm, soothing balm that could soothe this pain. Like an aloe vera ointment soothes sunburn. I need something to soothe this horrific pain in my chest. Where my heart should be. Except it feels as though my heart has been ripped right out.
I need something to reassure me that I am going to get through this, that it will pass, that it will get better, that this pain will subside. I do realize that nothing external can provide this soothing. It has to come from within me. What if I don’t possess the capability to sooth myself. I was never soothed as a child, after all.
What if this pain lasts forever. What if I don’t ever heal. What if I don’t ever find out more about the elusive parts of me. Because that’s how they feel: elusive. They seem to know less about themselves than I do about them. Which is close to nothing. I guess we’re just one big mess – me and all the parts of me. Whoever or whatever they might be. If they even exist at all.
This is how I’m feeling right now. Like a doll who’s had its heart taken out.