It. Hurts.

This pain began last night. It took a breather during the day today, but it has come back full force this evening. Not a physical pain. Or I should say, not a physical pain that has physical origins. This is a physical pain, but I know it is rooted in a deep emotional pain.

That’s all I know about it. That it is rooted in emotional pain. I don’t know any other of its qualities. I don’t know if its a sadness, a longing, a mourning, an anger… I wish I did. All I know is that it is there. And it’s excruciating.

I wish I had a calm, soothing balm that could soothe this pain. Like an aloe vera ointment soothes sunburn. I need something to soothe this horrific pain in my chest. Where my heart should be. Except it feels as though my heart has been ripped right out.

I need something to reassure me that I am going to get through this, that it will pass, that it will get better, that this pain will subside. I do realize that nothing external can provide this soothing. It has to come from within me. What if I don’t possess the capability to sooth myself. I was never soothed as a child, after all.

What if this pain lasts forever. What if I don’t ever heal. What if I don’t ever find out more about the elusive parts of me. Because that’s how they feel: elusive. They seem to know less about themselves than I do about them. Which is close to nothing. I guess we’re just one big mess – me and all the parts of me. Whoever or whatever they might be. If they even exist at all.

 

This is how I’m feeling right now. Like a doll who’s had its heart taken out.

 

 

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