The Pressure

It’s back. Full force. Immediately after I clicked “Publish” for my last post, the onslaught began. NO. NOT OKAY. NEVER OKAY. Mind, stop. STOP.

My mind is under full attack. Again. Stop. Please stop. Please give me a break. Why can’t I have a break.

Pressure. Pushing. Screaming. Punishing.

I don’t deserve things. I don’t deserve things. Not comfort, not love, not support, not happiness. None of it. I deserve nothing. NOTHING.

Force myself to stay awake. Must. Force. Myself. Awake. No sleep for me. Ever. Punish punish.

What is kindness. What is gentleness. My mind doesn’t know these things. Harsh. That is all I know. Harsh words. Harsh voices. Inside my head. Harsh harsh harsh.

How to be kind to self. NO kindness. STOP kindness. NO gentleness. STOP gentleness.

You belong in the dirt. you ARE dirt. you are more pathetic than dirt.

No. I wont. listen. Your words are not truth.

YES. nothing better than dirt. you are dirty. you will always be dirty. tainted. worthless. always worthless.

no. i am not worthless.

YES you are you are WORSE than worthless.

never enough. not ever enough.

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