All my life, when things have gotten hard, when things have gotten painful, I’ve hid. I’ve pulled away. I’ve retreated. I am refusing to do this anymore. I am refusing to hide anymore. This is my blog. Mine. It is my place where I can write and share my thoughts and feelings and experiences and have people read and affirm them, and hopefully, in some way, relate to or take comfort in what I say. No one can take that away from me. And I’m not going to take that away from myself. Especially when I’m most in need of support.
I would like to share with you a bit of what has been going on. Things have taken place over the last few days that are deeply upsetting, and I haven’t even started working them all out yet. I have been vacillating from panic to depression and back to panic again with no real time to sit in the middle spaces. Or my body hasn’t let me rather. And that’s okay. It’s a grieving, healing process, and I need to go through it. The middle spaces will come eventually.
I have lost a friend very recently. Someone who decided to end the friendship. It was very abrupt and unexpected, and I think that was the most painful part of it. If I had expected it, if I had seen it coming, I would have been able to prepare myself more properly for such a shock. But it completely blindsided me. Apparently she believes that I am a toxic person. That I am selfish. That I am coming in the way of her healing. And somehow telling me these things directly didn’t seem as important as announcing them on a blog. But… I suppose that’s a moot point now. What’s over is over, and what’s done is done. That doesn’t make it hurt any less though.
These are the things that I have to keep in mind right now, since I’m finding myself starting to lose sight of them:
– I first and foremost have to take care of myself and my feelings. I tend to lose myself in other people, and I think this is what happened in the case of this friendship. I forget where I end and other people begin. I worry so much about their own well-being and hurting or upsetting them that I actually forget about myself in the process. I lose all sense of who I am and what I need. I try to caretake their feelings. And in this particular case, the moment I didn’t caretake their feelings, when I expressed my own feelings (of hurt), I was met with meanness, sarcasm, and ultimately an end of a friendship.
This doesn’t mean, however, that I should stop sharing my feelings with other people. [I have every right to express my feelings, especially when I’m feeling hurt, and especially when it’s someone who I care about and who I can trust with my feelings.] It just means that I have to keep in mind that other people will have reactions that are outside of my control, and it is not my job to try to control the outcome. And in the case of this friend, the outcome was that no matter what I did or said, she seemed determined to end the friendship. I spent the entire afternoon today ruminating about what I could have done or said differently to get her to come to a different conclusion, so that she would have not ended it, and I realized I was missing the point. I was missing the bigger picture. Because if she was so ready and willing to end our friendship, based on a misunderstanding, or based on me expressing my feelings of hurt to her, then the truth is that this may very well have happened eventually anyways, no matter how much I may have tried controlling the outcome.
– I do not have to hide. This situation has brought up the false belief that when I am upset, that I have to hide myself away from the world. This is what my mother would do whenever I got upset. Hide me away. Make me go to my room, and I was unable to come out until I could put on a cheery disposition again. I am not a child anymore, and I don’t have to hide anymore. I don’t have to hide my feelings, whether they be hurt, anger, sadness, etc. And most importantly, I don’t have to hide me.
– I have a right to take up space in this world. For some reason, I have always felt like I didn’t have a right to take up space. That me simply existing somehow made life harder for other people. That it would be better if I didn’t exist. This belief is one that I have struggled against. And this belief comes up big time when a friend ends a friendship, or walks away for whatever reason. I tell myself that I seem to make other people’s lives harder rather than easier. That it is all my fault, and it would be better if I didn’t exist at all.
I have every right to exist, I have every right to take up space, I have every right to have friends, I have every right to have connection and trust. And I have every right to have friends who will respect and honor me for who I am, and accept me as I am. And if someone does not want my friendship, that doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve friendship. It just means, simply, that they do not want my friendship. I don’t have heap loads of extra guilt and shame upon myself about it, I really don’t.
That is pretty much all for now. I am experiencing a deep sense of pain and loss, but to get into all that feels too personal. Suffice to say that this will take a great long time to get over. This is someone who I cared very deeply for, and I never thought I would see the day where we weren’t friends anymore. She has swiftly and severely cut all ties. I wish I could feel a deeper sense of closure, but sometimes you just have to let things go and realize you did the best you could at the time. It doesn’t make the pain any less, but at least it provides me with some level of acceptance. My heart will heal in time. And it will be stronger for it.