Panic / Pain / Hurt

Over the last few days I’ve had panic hitting me like a freight train. It’s woken me up and kept me up all night. It’s prevented me from being able to do much of anything. Even at my job, I find myself starting to panic and unable to breathe. I don’t think my panic has ever been quite this bad. I know this panic relates to this situation I’ve been dealing with over the last several days, it’s just frustrating how very little control I have over it. No amount of self-soothing or grounding exercises seems to be able to calm my frazzled nervous system.

The amount of pain that I am experiencing, on both a physical and psychological level, is overwhelming. My whole body hurts. I wish I could just shut the pain off but I can’t. It’s like the ocean’s waves, no matter how broken and torn you might feel, they don’t stop for anything. They keep pounding away, rain or shine, day or night, pounding on the sandy banks. I can’t stop this onslaught of pain no matter what I do. No matter how much I try to distract myself, or no matter what amount of kindness or love I give to myself. The pain remains, ever punching, ever probing, ever laughing. Pain please, please take it easy on me. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

I realize I’m going through a mourning process. I never knew how painful losing someone could be. I’ve lost people before, but it has never been quite like this. My friend one day just turned on me. That’s how it felt. Unexpectedly and out of the blue. Maybe it wasn’t unexpected or out of the blue for her. Maybe she’d been thinking about this for a long time. Perhaps a resentment had been growing inside her, one that she tried pushing down, until eventually it came out in a very powerful way. I really don’t know. And perhaps I will never know. This person is out of my life for good. I know that. And that stark reality is so very painful.

I just wish I had been given a chance to make things right. If I wasn’t a good friend, if I took too much, as she says, if I expected too much from her, or more than she was able to give, I wish I could have known that and had a chance to work on it. I would have done anything to be a better friend. The fact that I demanded too much, that I put too much onto this person, well, it weighs very heavily on me.

A part of me understands that this is not about me, and as I said in my last post, that I shouldn’t be heaping unnecessary amounts of shame and blame on myself. But saying it and doing it are two different things. It’s hard not to think I could have done things differently, that I could have been a better friend. It’s just horribly sad that I wasn’t given that chance.

Since I have been trying, however hard, to focus on what I do have in my life that I appreciate, and on the little things that make me happy, I thought I would list the things in my life that I am grateful for at the moment:

– my partner
– my therapist
– my stuffed animals
– my television shows
– the child I care for
– pillows
– music
– my dog and cats
– my friend L
– beauty of nature
– the warmth and protection of blankets

I must cling to all of these things right now to help me push through this very difficult time. I just wish they could help sooth my very heavy and hurting heart. I guess the only thing that will help with that is time. Oh how I wish time would speed up already.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Panic / Pain / Hurt

  1. I love your list. I wish I could take your pain away. I myself have ended friendships, and I didn’t do it any kind of way with honor…just stopped answering the texts, emails, etc. Dropped off the face of the earth as far as they were concerned. It wasn’t about that person…it was because I felt like we were on different journeys, and I needed to travel my journey with people I felt helped by, not hindered by. I’m not saying that you were doing anything to hinder anyone’s journey, just saying that sometimes people stop meshing.

    Regardless of your support system, your journey is your journey. Your support system is fluid, always changing, because these people also have their own journey. And no support figure is perfect except for God, if you believe in God. If not, then, yeah, there is nothing finite about your support system. But that’s okay. Because support also comes from yourself. The minute you stop supporting yourself, everyone else becomes futile.

    Major hugs.

  2. It’s really hard losing someone you care about, and you have a right to that grief. You also have the right to put your needs first and say what you need to say to take care of yourself; that doesn’t make you selfish or needy, regardless of what this person said. And I’m glad you’re claiming this space to do that for yourself.

    I lost a friend last fall in similar circumstances. It still hurts; I still miss her. I try to be generous and accept that we had come to very different places in our lives, and she wasn’t ready to go to the places I needed to go. A lot of the time, though, my generosity gives out and I’m angry and hurt that one of my closest friends abandoned me and said really hurtful things in the process. But it’s gotten easier; I don’t think about her all that often anymore, and it doesn’t hurt like it did at first. I accept most of the time now that I didn’t do anything wrong, that she and I just weren’t in the same place anymore. It’s gotten easier. I’m hoping for the same for you.

    • Yes, I actually think that is really true for me as well. That we are simply in different places, and just not compatible at this point in our lives. And yet, somehow all these realities and realizations don’t help the pain. All these feelings of grief and pain feel trapped inside me, without any way out. I wish I could access the sadness so I can let these feelings out in the form of tears. Maybe one day…

      Thank you for your response.

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