My worst selves versus my best selves

A difficult situation recently caused me to stop and really look at the ways I show up in relationships. In doing so, I came to some conclusions about myself that I would like to share, specifically about my worst selves versus my best selves. Not selves in a dissociative sense, but just in a human nature sense. We all have different selves we present to the world, myself included.

Here are some examples of some of my worst selves:

– my insecure self
– my clingy self
– my anxious self
– my angry self
– my resentful self
– my manipulative self
– my passive aggressive self

I think some of these selves showed up in my past friendship that ended. It seems that that was one of the biggest reasons it ended. My inability to maintain balance within myself in the relationship. I think the first four were selves that showed up in the friendship and that ultimately pushed this person away. I think the final three were selves that presented themselves when the relationship was abruptly ended (and understandably so). None of these selves are helpful, nor are they healthy if they take a prominent place in relationships. I have to be willing to admit the things that I did wrong in the friendship. I cannot act blameless, since people don’t end friendships out of the blue. Sure, a part of it was her own issues I’m sure. How big a part I don’t know. Only she can answer that question. But I can take responsibility for my role in the friendship going down in flames and a big part of it, I believe, is that I was letting these worse selves of mine take a prominent role. I was clingy and insecure in the friendship; not a good combination. I was so scared of losing her that I clung. And I think what tends to happen when we are overcome by fear of losing a person is that we actually end up losing them.

Here are some examples of my best selves:

– my funny self
– my silly self
– my introspective self
– my caring self
– my empathetic self
– my listening self
– my giving self
– my strong self
– my confident self

I think many of my best selves did show up in the relationship too. I can’t overlook that. But the last two, my strong self and my confident self, which are often present in many (if not most) of my other relationships, seemed to be lacking in this one for whatever reason. Self-doubt and insecurity often took their place.

The tragedy, for me, was the way in which this friendship ended. I apologize to you who are diligently reading this blog, because I must sound like a broken record. But to write this stuff down and get it out of me has proven to be therapeutic, so please forgive the redundancy. When I say the way it ended, I mean the total and utter cutting off of contact, the refusal to listen and hear my hurt, the lashing out, the angry and hostile words, the accusations, the assumptions… I think I would have been much more willing to hear and be open to what this person had to say had they approached me in a kinder manner. But nothing about the way she ended it was kind. Nothing at all.

I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep turning my head toward the sun and try to hear what it has to tell me. I try to be kind and gentle with myself, since I’m the one who needs to give that to myself the most. If nothing else, this situation has caused me to bind tightly together with myself, first in defense of myself (when it felt I was being verbally attacked), and now in support of myself. I need lots of support right now, and who better than to give it to me than myself.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “My worst selves versus my best selves

  1. I think you’re making a lot of headway with this. It sounds like you have accepted that you both may hold some blame, but you are forgiving of both yourself and her. Forgiveness is hard. There is a reason why in most cultures only deities are capable of complete forgiveness.

    Don’t worry about sounding like a broken record. I’m SO guilty of that myself. If you need to process it, you need to process it. At my last session with my T I asked why I couldn’t get a certain conversation to stop playing in my head, literally like a broken record. A conversation I had had with my University therapist over a year ago. It was one of the most painful conversations of my life, and I find myself reliving it, like flashbacks, SO OFTEN. Her answer was that it’s probably because I never answered the question my therapist had asked me…I’ve never answered it for myself. Because I don’t know how to put the answer into words.

    My point is, what do you think you are leaving out? What do you think you should be more detailed about? I don’t mean you have to write it here for all to see. You could write it in your private journal or tell your partner or write a password protected post. But what have you left out? From an outsider’s perspective it seems like your posts are becoming very general. Okay, so you were manipulative. How? What exactly did you do that was manipulative? You say you were clingy. How? I think the more specific you can be with yourself about these things, the better you will be able to process. And the more you will learn for the future.

    Of course this is only speculation, you know more about you than I do, so please take this “advice” with a grain of salt. You must do what you think is best. I continue to support you and hope this pain begins to lessen.

    • I understand what you are saying about the general-ness of my blog posts lately. There’s actually a reason for that, which is that I don’t feel comfortable disclosing any real detailed information about this whole situation to the public. It feels like a breech of privacy if I were to do so. I actually have been posting quite a few private posts with stuff I don’t feel comfortable with the general public knowing. The blogs I post on here are what I feel comfortable sharing with the world, but you are totally right, it is a rather incomplete picture. I am feeling and thinking much more than what I’m revealing on here, but I am quite comfortable with that, and in fact that’s what I prefer. I need to protect myself (and the details of this situation) for now while I’m still dealing with the aftermath of this whole thing. I’m glad you brought this issue up though. Just know that I’m doing what I need to to take care of myself, and that no, lm not skimping on the details in my own mind. They are just too painful and top private to expose on here.

      Thanks again, I appreciate your reading and your comments.

  2. I’m still learning from you, but I’m improving myself. I definitely liked reading all that is posted on your blog.Keep the posts coming. I loved it!

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