What Do I Know

I’ve been writing all these posts analyzing the loss of this friendship. How it happened. Why it happened. What was my role in it.

What do I know? These words are meaningless. The plain and simple truth is that I lost someone. They were there one day, and the next day they were not. Nothing else matters. No amount of thinking or analyzing can change the fact that I no longer have this friend. They are gone. And this reality fills me with pain, anger, and sadness. It was beyond my control. And I hate things that I can’t control. I hate that this happened. And I hate that there was nothing I could do about it.

How is it that one day someone can be one of the most important people in your life, and then just like that, at the snap of a finger, they are gone. Apparently it wasn’t like that for this friend. It had been building over time. She needed to get away. But why didn’t she tell me. Why didn’t she say something before it was too late.

It’s too much for my brain to comprehend. Too much pain, too much sadness, too much loss. I suppose I’m acting like a “victim” right now and dwelling in my loss, I don’t know. I don’t really care to be honest. Loss is loss and pain is pain. And I can’t make it go away, so I’m letting go of the judgment. Keeping it hidden and trapped inside will only make it worse. I thought I was a good friend. Perhaps I wasn’t. At least I know I tried to be a good friend. I will hold onto that knowledge…. I gave it my best and I gave it my all. And I’m not perfect. Nobody is.

And with that, I am letting go.

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