Something’s wrong but…

… I don’t know what. Can any of you relate? This feels like the story of my life, actually.

Driving home I felt like something was wrong but I couldn’t put my finger on it. When I got home, I tried distracting myself. Checked emails, checked Facebook, checked blog, and the uneasy feeling kept growing. Sat down in front of the tv. It just got worse. Partner came home. I could barely speak. Told her I needed space.

Was I triggered? Am I sad? Depressed? Angry? Something feels off but I just can’t figure out what it is. It has gotten a little better, but the feeling is still there. It feels like something’s going on inside my mind that I just don’t have access to. Has anyone else ever felt like this?

My partner suggested journaling. Longhand though, not on the computer. Honestly I’m hesitant to do that because it usually doesn’t end well. Well… It’s been quite a long time since I’ve done it, but usually when I try to journal (by hand) when something feels wrong – like right now – it just creates more chaos and confusion rather than containment. And right now I just need containment.

Actually when I really think about it, it feels fairly contained. These “feelings” (whatever they might be) aren’t overwhelming me, I can just feel that there’s something there I’m guessing I will eventually need to attend to. Perhaps it’s better that it doesn’t come out now. I mean, better perhaps to wait til I’m in therapy and have the help and assistance of someone who can contain these things with me, right?

For those of you who don’t experience this, I’m guessing what I’m describing might be confusing to you. I remember in high school, I used to get in these states where I was horribly upset and I knew something was really wrong, I just never knew what. My friends would ask me, “what’s wrong?” and I would always reply with, “I don’t know..” They would say, “you don’t know? How can you not know?” Again, story of my life.

Hmm okay I think I’m gonna go distract. Again.



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2 responses to “Something’s wrong but…

  1. It happens to me a lot. I tend to think of it as a dissociative thing. I assume that someone in my system knows what’s up, but there are so many mental barriers that the information doesn’t always get to me right away.

  2. What you describe sounds like something I experience that is kinda like a “subconscious trigger.” I’ll start to feel like something is amiss, or like there is sadness or anger inside me somewhere…but I don’t feel it and I don’t know why. Sometimes if I look back I realize what it was that triggered me. Then I realize what emotion is being buried, say sadness. Then I try to release it somehow, usually by listening to sad music that I have associated with that particular thing.

    So yeah…that may not be what it is for you but that’s what it made me think of.

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