Over the past four or five days, I’ve been questioning the DID big time. I thought that my therapist confirming that she thinks I do, in fact, have DID that somehow it would make it more east to accept. My therapist is an expert in dissociation after all. However much her opinion may be that I have DID, the reality is that it is, simply, her opinion. And opinions can be wrong. She never did a single diagnostic assessment after all. How does she expect me to believe her without some sort of testing to back her opinion up.
Who is R anyways. And if she is real and really does exist then where has she been the last five days or so. I haven’t even felt her close at all. And perhaps I’ve just been imagining her all along. In fact, I haven’t felt the presence of any other “parts” at all this past week. Well… perhaps the younger me was around one morning last week, but that’s about it. And that part of me last week who holds all the feelings of self hatred and self loathing. But… I’m just done trying to figure out who is who and which part is what. Why the hell did anyone give me a DID diagnosis in the first place. It doesn’t explain my experience. It just makes my experience even more confusing.
I want to put this diagnosis aside and just focus on the general dissociation that causes problems in my life. Not alters. Not parts. But dissociated memories, thoughts, and emotions. That’s what I need to gain access to. That’s what I need to work on. I’m done with the idea of having DID. It just simply does not fit my experience. Period.