I’m filled with anger at the moment. No idea why. No idea where it’s coming from. I think it has something to do with a post I just wrote on the DID support forum that basically said I think my therapist is wrong about my DID. And now my body and mind are surging with anger. Anger toward my therapist? For not understanding? Anger at myself? For questioning the DID? Anger at the whole process? For how frustrating it can be? I suppose I am frustrated with the process. I’m frustrated that I can’t just be sure either way. I can’t be sure I have DID and I can’t be sure I don’t have DID. And that frustrates the hell out of me. Perhaps that’s where the anger comes from.
Why can’t mental illnesses be tested for like physical ones can? Elevated blood pressure? You can see the numbers right before you. Low white blood cells? You can see the numbers right before you. Anemia? Testable. Cancer? Testable. Kidney stones? Testable. Hepatitis? Testable. Liver disease? Testable.
Depression? Not testable. Anxiety? Not testable. Dissociation? Not testable. Hearing voices? Not testable. Serotonin levels? Not testable. Dopamine levels? Not testable. Clinicians can only observe certain characteristics in a client based on their external experience of the client and what the client shares as his/her own subjective experience. Of course, the subjective experience shared by the client toward the clinician is going to influence, however slightly, the external experience the clinician has of the client.
I, for example, told my therapist I have “another person” inside my head and her name is R. Then several months later, my therapist diagnoses me with DID. Coincidence? I think not. More like unconscious manipulation on my part.
I’m frustrated that I can have that much control and sway over therapists’ opinions. I hate it in fact. And I hate that I have managed, at some point or another, to convince myself I have DID because it’s a mindset that’s practically impossible to break free from.
I need to stop before my frustration blows a fuse in my brain. Gggggg.