I’m not going to get into too many details of today’s therapy session. Mostly because I don’t remember them (the whole thing feels like a blur) and partly because it was extremely emotionally (and physically) draining and I’d rather leave the intensity of it in the therapy room. I will share a few details though.
In the waiting room I overheard a session of another client from another office. This was a big trigger for me. When I got inside the therapy room, I hid myself behind my arms and told Bean I didn’t want her seeing me. She asked me why not and I couldn’t tell her, since I didn’t know.
After what seemed like eternity, she was able to pull me out of that state by asking me to make eye contact with her. It was very difficult and quite painful actually, but once I made the eye contact I was able to snap back into functioning mode. All need to hide vanished. I can’t say what happened next. I moved in and out of various dissociative states. I remember being triggered by a vacuum cleaner in an adjacent room. At some point I went into a full-on terrorized state where I was clutching my head and trying to burrow into the cushions. Anytime Bean tried asking me anything I could only shout, “no! no! no!” At some point she mentioned something about it being a body memory that was occurring, but mostly she talked to me in a soothing voice telling me I am safe, and that she’s not going to hurt me.
I suddenly came out of it when my legs started to suddenly clench up and cramp. I was sucked back into my body. I had to sit upright and stretch my legs out to make the cramping stop. I began laughing, perhaps because the whole situation seemed absurd to me. All fear and terror was suddenly gone.
However for the rest of the session I was either in a zoned out foggy state or extremely anxious. The next thing I knew the session was over and I told Bean what a waste of a session that had been. She said, “Oh no, not at all. You may not have said a lot verbally, but your body spoke volumes. It showed me how much fear it is holding. And the amount of fear is huge. We will have to work with that fear a little at a time, so that we don’t overwhelm you. Although I do realize you are really wanting to get to the source of the fear, we must take it in steps so as not to overwhelm your system. But you are doing really, really well, and this was definitely not a waste of a session. Not even close.”
And that was that.
The whole drive home I had to massage my jaw because it was hurting so bad. I must’ve been clenching it really tight throughout the entire session. I wonder if it’s possible to pull a muscle in your jaw, because that’s what it feels like! Ouch!!