Obsession –> Repression

Fairly often, I become obsessed with something. Sometimes it’s a tv show, sometimes it’s something to buy (like researching different types of cars), sometimes it’s a website (a DID support forum I belong to)… But regardless of what it is, it always has the same feeling attached to it: the feeling of being out of control. It’s as though I lose control of myself, and this thing – whatever it may be – now has control over me. There’s a franticness to it. A sense that if I just do this thing more, I will reach happiness and/or satisfaction. Just five more minutes on the site. Just one more tv show to watch. And then this emptiness will be filled. However I realize that these obsessions don’t spring from an emptiness or lack of feeling. I think it’s quite the opposite actually. I think it’s feeling that I don’t want to look at or deal with that brings on the obsession. And then with the obsession comes a pushing down or repression of the unwanted feelings. So the obsession does seem to be serving a purpose, albeit not the most healthy one.

My latest obsession is searching for a new road bike on craigslist. Well, not new, just new for me. You know what I mean.. For the last several days I’ve been scouring craigslist obsessively trying to find the perfect bike. The truth is, I can’t even afford a bike right now. So why am I spending endless hours searching, and emailing about them, if it’s not even within my reach. Because I need the obsession.

When Little Guy is asleep, I get a break and that’s when I can eat my lunch, etc. I usually try to get a few things done, like dishes or his laundry, but overall just try to relax. Which is something that isn’t easy for me. Today however, I spent the entire two hours obsessively searching craigslist for a road bike. It was only when the mom suggested we wake up Little Guy that I even realized two hours has passed. It was also then when I realized how dissociated I was.

Quite honestly I don’t know how to break free from these obsessions. Once I get locked into an obsession, it feels practically impossible for me to break free. If I don’t get back to my obsession as soon as I have a second of free time, the feelings of panic start to overtake me. It’s like I need the obsession in the same way an addict needs their addiction. So how to break away from it?

I have in the past relied on cigarettes to get me through periods like this. I suppose obsessing over something on craigslist is better for me (at least physically anyway) than smoking. I just wish I knew how to just stop. And let whatever feelings come, come.

Who knows, I may end up with a stylish road bike when all is said and done! :/

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1 Comment

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One response to “Obsession –> Repression

  1. Well…my advice may be worthless since you know how much I adore biking! But in all seriousness, I think it’s good that you’re distracting yourself with something that is for yourself. Sure it may not be the absolute most healthy option, but I think it’s what you need right now. I found that whatever post traumatic stress I was experiencing was leading me to become OBSESSED about things that were related to the trauma. And if you must have an obsession, better to make it about something that isn’t the trauma. Much less damaging.

    Many hugs, and in all honesty, I do hope you find a good road bike you can afford. They are dreams šŸ™‚

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