Not okay

I’m not okay right now. I couldn’t think of anything else to do so I thought I would write a blog post.

I am barely able to function. I cannot speak. I spent the entire morning – literally from 7am until 1pm – in two different mental health facilities and a pharmacy and I still am without a prescription for my psych meds. After spending an hour waiting in the pharmacy for my prescription to be filled, they then told me that they never received a fax from the clinic. Right. Thanks.

I am supposed to be up in the mountains right now with my partner. But instead, I’m sitting in my tiny little office unable to speak or interact with the world. I even did the crazy thing of calling my therapist on her cell phone, which she made clear is for emergencies only. Of course I hung up when the voicemail came on. I’m not sure what I was expecting.

I told my partner that I didn’t want to go (away) anymore. She, being the amazing person she is, said that’s fine, that we can do whatever I want. She has been looking forward to this for weeks. Her job is uber stressful and she really needs a break from the city. Who am I to deprive her of that.

I don’t know what it was, perhaps just having to sit there in that godawful waiting room for almost four hours surrounded by a roomful of severely depressed patients, I don’t know but something made me break. I told myself on the way home that I couldn’t do it, and asked inside for help. I got a little bit of relief, in the form of a voice reassuring me that everything’s going to be okay, everything’s going to work out fine, etc etc. And that surprisingly calmed me down.

Until I got home.

Now I’m a mess. I can’t speak to my partner… My senses are in overwhelm mode. I can’t have any stimulation. My partner tried offering me part of a banana (I haven’t eaten since 6:30 this morning) and walked over and reached it out toward me. I screamed at her to leave it for me and I would get it. I couldn’t even handle her handing me something and me taking it from her. That physical interaction would be too much for my nervous system to handle.

She hasn’t eaten either. She’s been waiting for me because we were going to grab food on our way out of town. What is wrong with me. Why can’t I snap myself out of this.

I feel like I can’t do anything. Can’t move. Can’t speak. I should be packing. Or doing something. Even if it’s telling my partner she should just fix something to eat for herself here at home.

Why can’t I just be a normal person who can come home and pack and leave for my trip. Okay yes I had an extremely stressful morning but why can’t I shake it off and get on with my day. I’m trapped in the stress and overwhelm of this morning and it’s keeping me locked inside its prison cell and it’s preventing me from my life. I know what I want to do, I just can’t do it.

I’ve been sitting here trying to relax and calm myself by listening to the wind and the birds and trying to breathe. It’s not helping. At all.

Sometimes I hate the hold that trauma has on me. HATE IT.

Can someone please hit me upside the head real good with a frying pan? And snap me the hell out of this state. Uggh.


1 Comment

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One response to “Not okay

  1. Bourbon

    Hey brandic,
    I’m sorry that experience has left you in such a confused traumatised state. I know you feel like you are in prison right now but that feeling won’t last forever. You know as well as I do these traumatised freezes responses do end. You always say you “snapped out of it” and that will happen this time if you can just hang on. How utterly ridiculous theyd leave you waiting so long and for nothing to come of it. What shambles. And hey you could always go to the mountains later right? Or tomorrow? Youve had a pig of a morning and you need some time to recallibrate. Your partner is more than happy to give you that so try to let yourself have that too without all this guilt. hope you feel better soon. B

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