Dirty me

I’m in one of those frantic states where I’m desperately seeking distraction and fulfillment from the outside, but I’m frustrated and hating myself on the inside. I don’t think this is coming from a dissociated part of me. This is just me. I am hating everything about myself right now, and no matter what I seem to do or how hard I cling to outer securities, these feelings remain.

The truth is I am worthless. I try to lie to myself and tell myself I’m not, that I have a lot to offer people, that my presence makes a difference in the world. What a total load of shit.

People see the me that I present to them. The nice me. The generous me. The caring me. The gentle me. Well, I am not nice or generous or caring or gentle. I am awful. I am harsh. I am mean. I have sharp edges. I don’t deserve happiness or kindness or friendship or care. I am worthless and I deserve nothing.

This is not an attempt to get praise or to have my statements challenged. I want you all to SEE the real me. To SEE that I am not person you think I am. To SEE that everything you see is a lie. If people think I am kind, that I am supportive, that I am reliable, that I am wonderful, then they will be sorely disappointed. I let everyone down. Even myself. I am not worth anything. I don’t deserve anything. Even to be held in positive regard. Because if someone holds me in positive regard it is based on a lie.

I hate this vile thing that is me. I wish you would shrivel up and die, you worthless piece of shit. No one cares about you and no one ever will. You are nothing. You are worse than nothing. You are shit. Pure shit. Stop going and stinking up everyone else’s life. You make me sick. You are worthless and disgusting and every time you forget I will be here to remind you. You are no better than the dirt on the bottom of your shoe. People do deserve to see this, because it’s the truth. Go find someplace to die.

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