My whole life I’ve had to be okay. Act happy. Act like nothing’s wrong. Push my feelings down. I don’t have to do that anymore. And just because I’m not okay doesn’t mean there’s something seriously wrong with me.
I can’t seem to stop crying today. I can’t get myself to do anything – even walk my dog. My inclination is to beat up myself about these things. My dog will live. No one will die if I sit here and cry all day. The world will not end. I will not be punished.
It’s really hard to allow myself to not be okay. The judgment and criticism tries to weasel its way in. I’m not letting it.
I’m crying. So what. I don’t even need a good reason to cry. Just because I feel like it is good reason enough. Perhaps I can actually go easy on myself for the first time in my life.
I’m supposed to be getting ready for this dinner. I’m supposed to have already walked my dog. I can’t get myself off the sofa for anything. All I can seem to do is just sit here and cry. And I’m trying to allow this to be okay.
It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to not be functional. It’s okay to let myself break down. It’s okay to not be productive. It’s okay to let other people down. It’s okay to not be responsible sometimes. It’s okay to not be reliable sometimes. It’s okay to have feelings. It’s okay to express those feelings.
Is it really though? Is it really okay??