I’ve been sitting and reading my friends facebook. The one who killed herself a few days ago. It hasn’t been announced on her facebook yet. It was her birthday just last weekend. I’ve been reading all the birthday wishes that people posted on her wall. I wonder if she ever got them. Facebook is weird in that way. Someone can live on in the form of a profile. They are alive according to facebook but dead in real life.
My mind and emotions are a mess. I am supposed to go to my brother’s birthday dinner tonight. I haven’t got him a present yet. I don’t feel like acting happy. Or being social. Or seeing my family. I don’t feel like doing anything in fact.
My friend left her two dogs. For some reason that makes me the saddest of all. A part of me is jealous of her. Wants to do the same thing. To just end this life.
Don’t worry, I won’t. Doesn’t mean I can’t think about it or fantasize. Right now life is just feeling too big.
How am I suppose to live my life right now when a friend is gone. It just doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel right at all.
Tears, tears, and more tears. They don’t seem to stop.
This blog is my only connection with the world at the moment. So you all get to see my tears. To hold them. To feel them falling on you. There are just so many.
I’m not even connected to my partner at the moment. She’s off getting her hair cut, and we aren’t speaking because we got into a big fight this morning. I say a big fight, but it was over something so little and so dumb. But I had a full-on temper tantrum and ended up slamming the door and not speaking to her the rest of the day. And now she’s not here. I’m all alone with these tears.
I wish someone were here to comfort me. But then again, I don’t, because if I did I’m sure the tears would dry up as quick as you can say Sam. I don’t do well with letting others see my emotions; my pain; my tears, especially.
Perhaps someone can hold me. Even in their mind. No. What am I thinking. I cannot be held. After all, it results in just being dropped, does it not?
I suppose I will sit here, all alone, with these tears. Friend, wherever you are, I hope you are okay. I hope you are free from the pain of life. I hope you are happy. I hope you are in a better place. We all miss you.