I am the queen of sleep. At least I have been this weekend. I’ve quite literally been on a sleep-a-thon, sleeping the last twenty-seven out of the last forty-eight hours. It’s like, no matter how much sleep my body gets, it needs more. And I’m not even depressed. Although I am going through some emotional things, and perhaps that is contributing to my insane amount of hours of sleep. Also, during the week, I hardly slept at all, so I’m sure I had some major catching up to do.
I don’t feel quite ready to talk about the emotional stuff that I’ve been dealing with, but I will write about it when I feel able. For now, during the hours I am awake, I’ve been trying to focus on outward things, like taking care of bills, and getting my laundry done. And it feels good to finally be able to focus on that stuff. I haven’t really been able to for a while it seems, and I’m happy to finally be getting stuff accomplished.
On a random note, I’m going to a baby shower this afternoon with my partner, and that reminds me of how much I want a baby of my own. When my partner and I were looking at photos someone posted online of a party we were at recently, and one of the pictures revealed one of my partners friends holding his baby, I said, “Aww, I want a baby…” My partner gave me this strange look, a What-you-talking-bout-willis! sorta look, and said, “You do…!?” Trying to let that roll off my shoulders, I responded, “yes, and I’ve told you that before baby!” She responded by saying, “and how soon exactly do you want this baby?” I said, “Well I’ll tell you, not very soon…”
She said what she normally says when I bring up the subject. How much work babies are. How I won’t be able to sleep in on weekends anymore. How we can’t do whatever we want, whenever we want like we can now. I told her I know, to all of the above, but that I still want one. She smiled and said, “oookay…” I’ve dealt with this sort of reaction long enough to not let it get to me though. I know she’s never had a desire to have children. We used to fight about this a lot in the beginning, until I stopped trying to push the issue. And now she’s come around to the idea, and has told me she will support me fully if that’s what I decide, and that she’s sure that once the baby is here, she will no doubt love it and want it dearly. And I have no doubt about this. I just look at how much she loves and adores our dog, and she threw several adult-size fits when I was trying to convince her to keep the dog. So I know she’ll change her tune once a baby becomes a reality. It’s just that I’m not close to being ready. I’ve got a lot more work I need to do on myself first. But that gives me even more motivation to work through as many of my psychological/emotional issues as I can in the next few years so that I can be the best mother that I can.