I spoke with my father this evening. I made the obligatory call for Father’s Day. As I was talking to him, I could feel my calmness and serenity being squeezed out of me. What took its place was agitation. Agitation and anger. Even now I can feel the anger bubbling, brewing, churning, pushing up like hot lava wanting to erupt. Why.
Every time I’m around him this happens and I push it down. Every time he goes to hug me when I see him, a part of me is screaming inside. Why.
My father never abused me. Perhaps he was strict at times and perhaps he got angry at times, but overall he was attentive and affectionate. Or is just what I’ve convinced myself.
My thoughts are all jumbled. I feel like I’ve stepped into a nightmare and I’m not even sure why, or what the nightmare is. All I know is that something is just really really wrong.
Thankfully I see my therapist tomorrow. Perhaps we can begin to work out this mystery. I need to try to set this nightmare aside tonight. I just hope I can.