The mysteries continue

I spoke with my father this evening. I made the obligatory call for Father’s Day. As I was talking to him, I could feel my calmness and serenity being squeezed out of me. What took its place was agitation. Agitation and anger. Even now I can feel the anger bubbling, brewing, churning, pushing up like hot lava wanting to erupt. Why.

Every time I’m around him this happens and I push it down. Every time he goes to hug me when I see him, a part of me is screaming inside. Why.

My father never abused me. Perhaps he was strict at times and perhaps he got angry at times, but overall he was attentive and affectionate. Or is just what I’ve convinced myself.

My thoughts are all jumbled. I feel like I’ve stepped into a nightmare and I’m not even sure why, or what the nightmare is. All I know is that something is just really really wrong.

Thankfully I see my therapist tomorrow. Perhaps we can begin to work out this mystery. I need to try to set this nightmare aside tonight. I just hope I can.

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “The mysteries continue

  1. There’s a reason you react that way. Pay attention to it–pushing it down won’t help. You’ll figure out the reason in time.

    • How do I not push it down. I don’t even know how to not do that. I’ve done it my whole life.

      • In my experience, by paying attention and not invalidating my own feelings/experiences. Learning to be present with whatever I’m feeling. Naming it and writing about it.

        I also had to cut off contact with my parents before I could figure out why they made me feel so panicky. I had to be safe before I could know.

        • Well… The thing is that my parents were not the abusers. Other people were the abusers. Yes, my parents didn’t protect me. Yes, my parents weren’t paying that good attention. But I’m also very good at hiding things. So for me, it doesn’t seem right for me to cut them out of my life. They don’t deserve that. They made their mistakes but I also know they had their own things they were dealing with. I’m not making excuses I’m just trying to see things from all sides. They never intentionally meant to hurt me. And I can’t blame them for things they didn’t know.

          It’s also hard for me to acknowledge and validate feelings that don’t seem to fit into the picture. They don’t make sense. Why would I have these sorts of reactions toward my father. They just don’t make sense. My dad is actually a wonderful person. I just don’t understand why I can’t feel love and affection toward him. I only seem to feel anger and agitation when he gets anywhere near me. I must have something mixed up in my brain I don’t know. But he doesn’t deserve to be shut out.

          I don’t know. I really have to stop thinking about this or something’s going to explode inside me. I need to just turn it off.

  2. SPECIAL KAYE

    Brandic32 i fully understand what you are saying. I hope talking to your therapist helps you out some. I agree with the not wanting to push your parents away if they didnt do anything. Sad thing is what may work for one may not work for another….sorry weordmyndum honey i’m not trying to step on anyones toes here. I know when I was young, I put resentment on my parents for things others did to me…but as you Brandic32, i knew it wasnt their fault. I also never told them of the things that happened to me either so how could I blame them for things they didnt know or didnt see at the time. But i am a type of person that for some reason it is easy for me to forgive and move on. Now I also have to say here the person that hurt me is no longer with us….and I have been a lot calmer now since they are gone. Almost as if all the feelings i had and their guilt all went with them when they passed. I do not know if I even make any sense here. I am no therapist, I am just a mother and a wife with alot of my own issues but just wanted to say keep your chin up brandic32 and try to figure out what the root behind your apprehension is to know if it is truly your father you are feeling it for or if it is someone else and see if you can let it go or revert it elsewhere so that you can have your dad back….ya know we are all daddys little girls…some resentment could be that daddy didnt and couldnt protect you like we all used to always think of how daddys were supposed to be. I know that is how i felt for a long time toward my dad too,….hope it helps you any and weordmyndum i think your words are very wise and helpful as well please do not take anything i said as a bad thing….god i think we were all warped from childhood somehow…which sucks….hope all feels better soon…:)

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