Struggling. Not good

Okay so… sometimes I have nicely- worded and clear blog posts. I’m warning you now – this is not going to be one of them.

*** trigger warning – chaotic/destructive/violent thoughts ***

I feel like every cell of my body is screaming and writhing in agony. I want to rip my skin off. I want to tear off all my clothes and run down the street screaming (I’ve never in my life had this thought or desire wtf). I really wish I was locked up in a mental institution right now in a padded room with a straight jacket on me so I could truly lose it and not be a danger to myself or others.

What the fuck is happening.

I am overly sensitive to any noise, and they are cutting tree branches with chainsaws right outside from where I’m sitting and it feels as though someone is boring into my brain with an electric drill. [Sorry for the graphic-ness – I did warn you.]

It feels like someone is taking my emotional mind and putting it through a shredding machine. I don’t know how much more of this I can stand. What the hell is this and why is it happening.

**** end poss triggers ****

I know I should never apologize for saying anything on my own blog, but I’m going to do it anyway. I’m sorry for my emotional vomiting on all of you. I just needed to express what’s going on for me so that it’s not all pent up inside me.

Thank you for listening. I am really struggling at the moment.

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “Struggling. Not good

  1. ….Not only should you never apologise/apologize (!) for anything on your own blog, you should never be sorry for getting what’s in your head out of your head. Better out than in and all that. Take care, Wee Gee x

  2. I know this might sound silly, but have you tried to listen inside? Perhaps not trying to fight what you are feeling, but instead “go with the flow” (or in your case, the horror of what you are feeling). What is your favorite thing to do? Something that requiers a minimum of brain power. Like maybe watching a movie?

    I’m saying this because I experienced something terribly scary earlier in the process, when I tried to fight the thoughts and feelings from my past. My insiders didn’t care for that idea much, so they started filling my head with voices. It sounded like someone was having a party in my brain where I wasn’t invited. I really thought I had lost it then, but T actually told me to listen and acknowledge their presence, and ask them what they wanted.

    Remember, everyone inside you have carried a lot for a long time, and perhaps it’s enough if you just acknowledge this? I don’t know if you even want advice. If you don’t, feel free to toss this aside – even be angry at me for “having the nerve” to tell you what to do. I can take it.

  3. Yes I know this. Or my own version of. Don’t be hard on yourself, just let yourself be. Take care

    • Yes thank you. It’s so hard to let myself be because these feelings (both physically and mentally) are extremely painful, but I’m doing my best. Thanks again.

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