How is it that one part of my mind is determined to get up out of bed, while another part of my mind is begging to return back to sleep. How is it that I have more than one thought process going in my head at the same time. All of them that I can hear – at the same time. How is it that one part of my mind is agitated and screaming, while another part of me doesn’t understand why, while another part is thinking calmly and rationally.
The answer is simple: dissociation. My mind has become extremely compartmentalized, so that it’s almost like I have several “minds” running at the same time. Completely different thoughts all running at the same time… Completely different emotions all running at the same time… Completely different wants and desires running at the same time… And yet all operating completely independently (or seemingly independently) from one another.
When things are relatively calm inside (my head), this isn’t really a problem. Which is not to say that I don’t want to change it and bring those parts of my mind together and become more unified – I do. However, when things are tumultuous inside (as they are right now), it’s extremely difficult to think clearly, concentrate, get things done, or worst of all, sleep.
All night I’ve been tossing and turning, waking up agitated with lots of “commotion” in my mind but not even knowing what it is. This may sound completely contradictory, but it’s like there’s this deafeningly loud noise going on in my head that I can’t actually hear. I can just feel. And this feeling tells me that something is really off, and really wrong.
Perhaps, mind, now I can go back to sleep?